How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching and Counseling in Difficult Circumstances | Page 111
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2. M (blaming herself): Oh, my gosh, I’ve really upset you! Why do I always do this?! … Why am I so selfish?
… I’m such an awful mother.
3. M (sensing her own feelings/needs): Honey, I’m really feeling exhausted and needing to just have some
personal time to connect with my good friend, Betty. Would you be willing to let Mary (the babysitter) hold
you? …
4. M (sensing her child’s feelings/needs): Are you feeling sad and wanting to be held? … Are you feeling hurt
and needing to know that you are precious and loved? …
4 Ears:
1. Blaming others (attacking)
2. Blaming ourselves (submitting)
3. Sensing our own feelings & needs
4. Sensing others’ feelings & needs
Blaming is the realm of the jackal. The jackal part of us sees the only choices as fight, submit or flee.
More than likely, the jackal doesn’t even see choices, but responds in a habitual or automatic manner.
We are each responsible for how we hear what other people are saying.
Connection is the realm of the giraffe. The giraffe part of us knows that there are two ways to connect in any
moment: to sense our own feelings & needs, or to sense the feelings & needs of the other person. The giraffe is
also keenly aware of the choices she is making in every moment.
It’s About Awareness not Content
by Gregg Kendrick, Certified Trainer
Learning NVC involves a different kind of "understanding" or "learning" … very little learning from the head or
making sense of concepts … more learning from the heart, learning with my whole being, expanding my
awareness … it's not a linear progression, but spiraling more deeply & more expansively.
This kind of learning does not happen very meaningfully by talking or reading about NVC. It happens most
powerfully when we seek to connect with one another and with ourselves … when we engage in and witness the
experience of NVC. The learning happens in the struggle and the longing to connect.
I am often more empowered to engage in NVC when I remember that it is not about getting it right, but about
moving toward the connection that I want (what Marshall calls "growing progressively less stupid").
Amidst these experiences, each one of us is learning what we are ready for. In the same exercise or experience,
we may each be learning something very different. I find that I am nearly always surprised. If I am willing to
share my experiences, I often notice that my own learning seems to deepen as it is received by the other person
or people that I am with.
Creating The Internal Space That Nurtures Learning And Connecting
I have found that my learning of NVC happens more fully when I create a place in myself that supports that
learning:
- a place of spaciousness … we're discovering what's already there, not putting more stuff in
- a place of awareness of self in this moment … noticing my thoughts … my body sensations … my feelings
… my intentions … my needs … my choices
- a place of openness … finding where I am tense or distracted, and “letting go” to a place of being alert, yet
relaxed … not doing, but being
- a place of choice … where there is no “have to”, no “should”, no “supposed to” … there are only choices
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