How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching and Counseling in Difficult Circumstances | Page 109
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C. Demanding (instead of requesting):
Attempting to control others by threatening, bossing, manipulating, or shaming. If the denial of a "request"
results in punitive action, the request was really a demand. When a person perceives a demand the only choices
they know are to submit or to rebel. Demands include the following violence provoking language.
1. 1. Words like: have to, must, should, had better
2. 2. Threats of punishment or blame (punishment extracts a high price)
3. 3. Promise of reward or praise (reward is dehumanizing)
4. 4. Any fear inducing language or behaviour.
“Judgments & violence are tragic expressions of unmet needs.” (Marshall Rosenberg)
“To observe without evaluation is the highest form of human intelligence.” (J. Krishnamurti)
Thinking & Language that Alienate Us from One Another
- Diagnoses, judgments, labels, analysis, criticism, comparisons, etc.
- Deserve thinking (i.e. that certain behaviours merit punishment or rewards)
- Demands (denial of other person’s choice; intention to punish those who don’t do it)
- Denial of choice or responsibility (had to, should, supposed to, they made me do it, etc.)
Purpose of NVC
- To inspire compassionate, heartfelt connection so that all needs may be valued
- To connect to the life in ourselves and others
- To be inspired and to inspire others to give from the heart
Background of NVC
- Developed by Marshall Rosenberg during the Civil Rights era; influenced by Carl Rogers
- Centre for Nonviolent Communication: web: www.cnvc.org, email: [email protected],
- phone: 1-818-957-9393
What NVC is not …
- NVC is not about being nice; it's about being real. It's not about stifling intensity, but transforming it.
- NVC is not about changing other people or getting them to do what we want. It's about creating connection
& understanding.
- NVC is not a technique or formula. It's a process that helps guide our consciousness to a new awareness.
4 Components of an NVC Expression
1. OBSERVATION “When I see/hear/notice…”
(free of judgments, labels, diagnoses, opinions, etc.)
2. FEELING (free of thoughts) “… I feel …”
Examples of feelings when needs ARE met: Affectionate Confident Engaged Excited Exhilarated
Grateful Inspired Hopeful Exuberant Joyful Calm Refreshed
For [email protected]
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