How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 98

7. Traumatic one-trial learning:
Traumatic one-trial learning: using verbal abuse, explosive anger, or other intimidating behavior to
establish dominance or superiority; even one incident of such behavior can condition or train victims to
avoid upsetting, confronting or contradicting the manipulator and create long-term fear and anxiety.
In abusive relationships, fits of violent rage, sometimes including physical assault, can leave the victim
too frightened and disorientated to leave the relationship or stand up for themselves.
Common excuses invoked by abusers to rationalize their behavior
Loss of control
Abusers may blame the victim’s actions for causing them to lose control of their temper. It is often
apparent however that they do not behave in that way with other people. When abusers smash up
property in apparently random acts it often turns out that they avoid damaging their own belongings,
and if law officers, called by alarmed neighbours, arrive the “uncontrollable rage” will be instantly
switched off. At this point the abuser, who is calm, will often pass the blame to the victim, who is
likely to be visibly disturbed.
Too much anger causes abuse
Abuse therapists find that anger is usually only one of many abusive tactics employed against a victim.
Anger results from abusive attitudes and the abuser’s sense of entitlement rather than being a cause of
these. Anger management courses are unlikely to stop abuse because they do not address the abuser’s
attitudes.
Mental illness
Some abusers do have personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder or psychopathy,
but most abusers are mentally normal. It is their attitudes, absorbed from society or their family
background, that make them abusively seek power over their partner or child.
Low self-esteem
Abusers are found in all walks of life and many of them are successful and confident. They include
heads of corporations, high ranking police officers and judges. Boosting abusers’ egos may increase
their sense of entitlement and lead to worse abuse.
Alcohol or drug abuse cause abuse
Many substance abusers do not abuse their partners. However, those who do usually continue or even
intensify psychological abuse if they give up the substance abuse. Having used the substance abuse as
an excuse for their behaviour before, they are likely to change to using the stress of staying away from
the substance as the excuse.

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