How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 93

3. Disguising questions as statements
Source: http://implicateevolution.com/2010/08/dealing-with-manipulative-people-part-1/
Manipulative people hate asking questions because it means they may loose control. So they may use a
disguised question. These are common ground for the manipulator. Instead of asking you about your
behaviour, or asking something of you that they want, they pose it like a statement so that you don’t
have the chance to reject them. This is also often used as a way of making what they know your
answer will be seem ridiculous.
Examples:
"I am wondering why you...",
"Perhaps you could...",
"I wish you could...",
"I suppose you are going to..."
“So I suppose you’ll…”
“I don’t know why you…”
Consider this:
“I don’t know why you have to speak to him that way.”
Several things are implied here. The first is that you’re speaking to ‘him’ improperly. The second is
that your behaviour is incomprehensible and thus ridiculous/outrageous and the third is that the speaker
would like you to stop. The phrase above is used instead of the following:
“Why do you speak to him that way? I don’t think you should be so rude.”
This is essentially the same message, except that it’s straight forward. The person speaking is very
clear that they think you’re being rude, instead of implying it and they ask you point blank why you’re
behaving the way that you are. There is no hidden meaning.
It’s a basic example, but if you experience it on a regular basis with someone, you’ll know what I’m
talking about.
The way to get around this is to respond only to actual questions. Statements like “I don’t know why
you have to do such and such” beg to be responded to, which is why manipulative people use them.
Train your ears to recognize the difference. You must learn to ask the Yes/No question, but not get
tricked by a disguised question.
Instead of addressing them, ignore them completely. Manipulators will often use such a statement in
place of a question and then actually wait for you to respond. When you don’t, it throws them off. If
they ask you if you have anything to say, simply reply ‘no.’
Or tell them that they didn’t ask you anything. Most often the conversation will just continue as if
nothing happened.
Or repeat the last 3 or 4 words of the statement back to the manipulator, forcing him/her to admit it was
a question.
If they push the matter, point out that it was not a question, repeat what they said and then ask them if
it was a question. This will ensure that you get them out in the open with their intentions and you can
continue having your conversation with both 6