How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 88

7. Self-pity - Playing the victim
Playing the victim role ("poor me"): Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance
or of someone else's behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get
something from another.
At times each one of us has times when we're really in need of some tender self-care but long-term
manipulators can make a habit of being the victim or the one needing special attention. Caring and
conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to
play on sympathy to get cooperation.
Sidestep self pity.
The manipulator who finds everything unfair and falls to pieces, he or she is attempting to gain your
sympathy in order to use it to further his or her own needs. In this case, the manipulator will rely on a
sense of "helplessness" and will seek financial, emotional, or other forms of help from you.
Look out for attitudes and comments like "I'm so unloved/sick/victimized, etc." , "You are the only one
I have", and "I have no one else to talk to", etc. In dealing with a meltdown of self-pity, be
compassionate but wary as you don't want to establish an obligation as a result. Some ways to respond
to such a manipulator include:
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A: "You are the only one I have."
You: "Oh you're flattering me again but you and I both know that's not true! You've got Betty
on Sundays, Muriel on Thursdays, and the bowls club all day Saturday. Why, when I tried to
call you last Wednesday night, you were out playing cards with your neighbors."
A: "I have no one else to talk to."
You: "Remember yesterday when Grace came over to talk to you all afternoon? And Sally's
said she's more than happy to listen over the phone whenever you need a sounding board. I'm
happy to talk to you for the next five minutes but after that, I have an appointment I cannot
miss."

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