How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 86
One Parent Gives in, the Other Doesn’t: What to Do?
It’s not unusual to see kids who sulk and whine at home but don’t demonstrate that type of behavior at
school. This is because they’ve learned it’s not going to work: their teachers don’t respond to them the
same way their parents do.
You’ll also see times where it works with one parent and not the other. Whenever any behavior is more
pronounced with one parent, it means that the behavior is working better with that parent. Kids learn
very early that their parents are two different people and that they can have two d ifferent strategies
when dealing with them. If it’s an inappropriate behavior, I think it’s important for parents to
remember not to use the cop out of, “Well, his mom lets him get away with it, what can I do?”
Sound parenting requires that both parents communicate with each other separately from their children.
If there’s no TV after seven o’clock at night, that’s a house rule. If one parent allows sulking to change
that, then there’s something wrong with the couple’s communication. There’s nothing wrong with the
kid - he’s just doing what works, after all. Here’s the bottom line: It’s up to both parents to create a
culture of accountability between them and their children. And that culture of accountability says,
“You’re accountable to me and I’m accountable to you. And no matter what else is going on with other
people, you have to speak to me in a certain way and I’m going to speak to you in a certain way.” End
of story.
Develop a strategy on how you’ll deal with your child’s annoying behaviors, and you’ll soon see that
behavior wither and die.
If your child suffers from disruptive behavior disorders, seek help from a mental health therapist. Such
disorders as oppositional defiance disorder, conduct disorder and separation disorder can have elements
of manipulation in them but need special attention to overcome, using the help of specialists and your
compassion.
But also adults use whining, sulking and crying to get what they want. The problem with people who
sulk is that it is a form of manipulation to get other people to conform to their wishes, they tend to be
people who resolve conflict by avoiding it and hiding away somewhere or putting on a look.
Sulking is oddly effective - whilst we all say that we 'just don't respond to it', so many people actually
do - even unwittingly - just to keep the peace and get rid of a bad atmosphere. A sulk is more effective
in a group setting that one on one. In the latter, the non sulker walks away if they don't want to deal
with it. In a group, it is often clear to see that at least one member of the group will cave in to the
sulker to 'save' the group's night being spoilt.
Thus the sulker garners attention - which is what they are doing it for. There is even the 'any attention
is some attention' aspect too - so even if the sulker is getting slated, they are getting noticed.
How to defend against it:
Don't take it to heart.
Expect changes.
if they don't change their ways in response to your behavior cues, move on. If you've tried ignoring
the sulks and demanding respect but it's still happening, take a deep breath and really consider if
it's worth living with this adult-child in your life.
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