How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 69

How to Effectively Nag Your Partner
Source: Dr Marianne Brandon / Genconnect
http://ca.shine.yahoo.com/blogs/love-sex/effectively-nag-partner-211000666.html
Ladies, we’ve all been there. If you’ve
asked him once, you’ve asked 50 times. At
some point you stopped asking nicely and
your tone officially turned to nagging.
Now, somehow, it’s hard to stop. The nag
feels strangely natural rolling off your
tongue. And you feel oh so justified in
doing it. After all, who could blame you?
Your request is more than appropriate, and
your partner is more than capable of
following through. Anyway, what choice
do you have? You know of no other way to
handle this situation.
Well you’ve come to the right place,
because there is actually a more effective solution out there. And you need it. If you keep nagging, it’s
unlikely that he is going to suddenly respond the way you want him to.
You both have become embattled in one of those obnoxious power struggles that long-term committed
partners do so very well. When couples get entrenched in this type of communication dance, everyone
suffers. The TV becomes more and more appealing. She feels irritable around him. He shuts down
around her. Sometimes she ups the ante by getting more dramatic in her efforts to get his attention. He
closes down even more as a result. Making love becomes a rare event. In fact, you are lucky if you are
still having sex. After all, who wants to make love to a man who is so tuned out from reality? And
vice-versa, who wants to make love to a woman who won’t stop nagging you?
You with me so far? Yes, I thought so. I’ve been doing couples therapy for a while now, I know this
game. So allow me to offer you a very powerful and effective alternative to the nag. You know I’m
very influenced by evolutionary theory, so we are going to use your man’s evolutionary programming
to your advantage. But it’s going to require self-control, exposure and sincerity on your part. I hope
you are up for it.
Here’s the deal – we nag when we are irritated. Irritation is a form of anger. Anger is almost always an
emotion that is fueled by something else – a deeper, more vulnerable feeling. When you look “under”
your anger, chances are you’ll find some combination of sadness, rejection, and/or fear. (Fear is almost
always at the core of everything dark, but if you get to sadness or rejection, that’s good enough). So
ladies, find your sadness or your rejection, and let yourself really feel it. Drop down into it, so you feel
it in your entire body. These emotions make us feel defenseless, helpless, hopeless, and obviously very
uncomfortable. Anger, in contrast, energizes us, and makes us feel stronger and superior. Anger is a
natural emotion and when expressed in a healthy way, it can be a very productive one, too.
I am in no way against anger. Personally, I’m a big fan. BUT it’s when anger gets expressed in
unproductive ways that things go very wrong. And nagging is one of those unproductive expressions of
anger that we want to avoid if possible. I’ve yet to hear a woman tell me that her nagging is effective in
getting what she needs. In fact, here’s a word of warning. If you were to succeed in getting what you
want via nagging, then you will have a new problem on your hands. You will lose respect for a man
who requires nagging to get something done. But that’s a topic for another article.

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