How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 230

Ask yourself:
o Do you find yourself apologizing or defending your significant other's behavior? If you find
yourself getting defensive when someone questions your relationship, you're probably already
aware that there is a problem and haven't yet come to terms with it.
o

Remember that people in healthy relationships for the most part have nothing to hide or defend,
although clearly they have a right to privacy and a healthy relationship is not one which requires
each person to share and disclose every aspect of her/himself to her/his partner. In fact, when a
relationship is healthy, your friends and family are normally going to recognize that this person
makes you very happy, brings out the best in you, and they will rejoice with the two of you.

o

Notice if your plans are continually overturned in favor of hers/his. Instead, you're always
changing plans to do what she/he wants, always meeting up with her/his friends.

o

Have all of your past attachments to people and places been replaced by either old friends of your
new love, or new friends you've made since you've been together? Severing your ties to the
familiar stability of people you have always known means she/he has just made herself/himself the
center of your universe, and now has no competition for your attention.

Pay attention to what others think of your partner.
When talking with mutual friends, have they
ever said something about your new
husband/wife that made you stop and say,
"Huh? But he/she said something different
to me... You can't have understood that
right." Did you then dismiss the idea that
what your friends heard could have actually
been true? That's a big red flag.
When you're being controlled or
manipulated, it's usually through half-truths
or omissions, not outright lies. There's just
enough weirdness to make you stop and
think, but not quite enough to get you to reo

evaluate the entire relationship.
o

If this happens more than once, STOP and remind yourself that this isn't the first time you've had
this reaction. Start analyzing discrepancies between what your spouse/significant other said and
what your friends say. If there are a lot of them, call him/her out on them. If his/her reaction or
answers don't satisfy, it is time to re-evaluate in a major way. And don't delay doing the analysis it may save you from disaster later.

Keep your support system. Cutting you off from the friends and family that make up your support
system helps her/him gain dominance over you — and you think it's your decision.
o Notice that a controlling partner will treat your friends with disrespect — your friends will report
rude remarks made behind your back, or you will actually see him/her treat them in a dismissive
("You don't have the same experience I have") or outright rude way ("That's just stupid. You're
wrong"). However, when you're alone with him/her, he/she never says a bad word about those
friends, but rather is kind, loving, and even complimentary about them. It makes you believe your
family or friends are simply jealous, don't understand him/her, etc. You forget his/her nastiness to
their faces because he/she's nice behind their backs.

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