How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 226

You need to have the approval and acceptance of other people. Although most people appreciate being
accepted, a problem occurs when you feel that you must be accepted by everyone at all times. The core
problem here is the fear of being rejected or abandoned - and it is so strong that you would do anything
to avoid the feelings associated with this fear. The manipulator works by giving you the acceptance
that you need - and then threatening to withdraw it.
You fear expressing negative emotions. Although expressing anger and engaging in a conflict are never
pleasant, some people will go to any length to avoid a confrontation. They want things to be pleasant at
all times. They fear that they will fall apart in the face of negative emotions. Manipulators have an easy
task in this kind of relationship - all they have to do is to threaten to raise their voice, and then they get
their way.
You are unable to say no. One of the characteristics of a healthy relationship is appropriate boundaries
that clarify who you are and what you stand for. In order to maintain healthy boundaries, however, you
must sometimes say no when someone attempts to push your limits. If you are afraid of the conflict
that may arise when you say no, you play into the hands of the manipulator.
Learning effective assertiveness techniques is a way to regain your sense of control in a manipulative
relationship.
You lack a firm sense of your own self. A clear sense of self means that you know what your values
are, who you are, what you stand for, and where you begin and the other person ends. If you have an
unclear sense of self, it is difficult to trust your own judgment or to make decisions that work in your
favor. Without a clear definition of your self, you m