How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 178

65. Persuade by Pride, Not Shame
When you want to persuade someone to do
something (or resist doing something), then it is
better focus on the pride they will feel when they
comply with your request rather than the shame
they may feel if they do not comply.
Talk up how good they will feel. Show them that
they can be rightfully proud of doing the best
thing. Let them know that others will agree and
that this is also something to be proud of.
Example
A mother encourages her son to do his
homework by saying how proud he will be to
have done it early.
In an experiment by Dan Ariely, subjects who
anticipated pride in resisting cake ate far less than those who thought about the shame of succumbing.
The pride group also ate less than the control group who received no admonitions.
Why it works
Positive persuasion generally works better than
negative methods. Negative methods can have
unpredictable results, for example causing a fight-orflight reaction, or otherwise resulting in some form of
coping, such as reactance.
Positive methods, on the other hand, create trust and
bonding. Suggesting that a person be proud also may
work simply because you are showing you respect
them, resulting in them wanting to reciprocate in some
way. Perhaps more so, the thought of feeling proud just
seems better and more attractive than feeling bad and
ashamed.
This does not mean that pride works better than shame
in all situations. There are always exceptions and each
case should be understood on its merits. However, the
point remains that, whilst we mostly use shame, pride
is notably more effective in most situations.
Something else to consider when balancing shame and pride is that shame is based on avoidance and
pride is based on attraction. We each have a preference for attraction or avoidance, so shame may be
more effective for a person with a stronger avoidance driver. Also remember that this is only one factor
and even a strong avoider may still be more persuaded by an appeal to pride than to shame.

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