How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 176

Why it works
Although ingratiation is often expressly viewed with distaste, in practice it is very common. The key to
successful ingratiation is that the person does not realize that you are doing this. This usually means
being subtle rather than exaggerated.
Flattery and agreement when people have a high opinion of themselves as it is in alignment with their
own views. When they have less self-esteem, flattery acts as a boost and, even if the person does not
agree with the comments, they will likely appreciate the kindness.
Flattery and agreement work because to reject the flatterer is to reject the positive comments about
oneself. Importantly for persuasion, there is also an exchange dynamic created whereby they feel
obliged to repay the kindness.
A way to make the ingratiation more effective and credible is to start with a criticism and end with
flattery. If the criticism is of an already known and accepted failure or weakness then this will not be
taken badly. The contrast then between the criticism and flattery makes it all the more powerful. It also
means you do not need to exaggerate the flattery as much to still have a strong effect.
Rather than stroking the other person, self-presentation works simply on ensuring you look good and
are likeable. If they like you, then they are more likely to do as you ask.
Appelbaum and Hughes (1998) note how ingratiation is used in organizations for internal political
ends, including 'strategic ingratiation' that leads to promotion or pay rise. This includes:
•Befriending and helping important people.
•Managing the impression others gain of you.
•Managing the sharing of information for best effect.
•Getting others promoted so you can fill their shoes.
•Doing favors and then requesting significant returns.
Organizational politics tend to increase when managers are more powerful and autocratic, when
favoritism is common and when individuals are forced to compete with one another for management
approval. Ambiguity and uncertainty increases this also as individuals hedge against unexpected
criticism.
Ingratiation is not always appreciated and may be seen as a low-status, low-self-esteem activity. A way
to make ingratiation fail is to over-do it or use it in cultures where any form of ingratiation is viewed
with distaste or where authenticity is highly valued.
Helping too much is a typical issue, where the ingratiating person upsets the balance of social capital
and the target person becomes annoyed by the implied obligation that is put on them. This may explain
why trying to help someone only results in anger and unkindness in return.
In some situations where one person assumes a subservience, such as waiting table, ingratiation may be
the norm and is expected. Waiters who ingratiate are often likely to receive a higher tip.

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