How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 14
1. Introduction
Manipulation is not the same as influence.
We all use influence other people to advance our goals, to motivate others and to help them realize
their own goals. Influencing happens all the time and in many different ways. As long as we inspire,
motivate, convince, persuade, seduce or use assertiveness most people will agree that we are acting
within the frame of healthy social life.
Every now and then, however, we will use a different tactic: we will manipulate people to get what we
want.
There are a lot of negative connotations connected to manipulating. The reason is that, contrary to the
first series of tactics, manipulation works with unfair means and does not respect the personal rights of
the second party (now called "the victim"): it violates his integrity, works with hidden agendas and
deliberately uses dishonest tricks like faulty reasoning, coercion, blackmail and lying in an attempt to
control the victim's actions.
Manipulation also is unbalanced: it is about suiting the manipulator's advantage or purpose only, often
even at the expense of the victim.
So, in theory, the difference is clear enough: influencing is positive, manipulating is negative.
Influencing is ethical, manipulating is not.
In practice, it is often more difficult to know when you are being manipulated and how to best defend
yourself against it:
Manipulation is unbalanced, the manipulator is trying to benefit at your expense. Yet one of the
tricks he will use to reach his goal, is to convince you that you are the one who is to benefit most.
How can you know whether a person is hiding information from you in an attempt to mislead you?
How can you be certain about the final intentions of another person?
It's often really difficult to recognize manipulation when it happens. After all, if we are aware that it is
happening ... would we allow ourselves to be manipulated?
One of the reasons that we ignore to recognize manipulation is that it goes against the very basics of
honest behaviour: We want to be respected, appreciated and loved for whom we are. This implies that
we avoid hurting others, avoid lying, feel we deserve the benefit of the doubt and therefore treat others
as innocent until proven guilty.
Because we act like this, we assume others do too. Every now and then however, we will meet with
people that have a different approach to life.
As a rule, it is safe to say that when things look like bullshit and smell like it, they usually are bullshit.
When you feel uneasy about a relationship; when you have to give in too much; when you feel like
having to walk on egg shells; when you feel guilty, humiliated or imperfect after yet another difficult
conversation; when choices become power-games; when affection turns green with jealousy or
becomes overwhelming, exclusive and possessive; when there are half-truths, lies, denials surfacing;
when everything that goes wrong somehow is your fault; when you feel you are pressured to take
decisions you do not agree with ... chances that you are being manipulated are very real.
If you already know this, than you also know a manipulator rarely comes unprepared. Feeling that you
are being manipulated is one thing. Putting the finger on the right spot is much more difficult.
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