How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 136
30. Sugarcoating reality.
When someone gets you to agree to something that’s not ideal by
telling you it’s slightly better than it is.
Example:
“The table will be ready in five minutes.” Because it sounds a lot
better than fifteen minutes.
Sugarcoating can be a devious tactic.
Not to make something appear to be sweet — but to prevent you from
tasting anything bitter.
People often use sugarcoating to distract you from your true feelings
— meaning those unpleasant ones.
People sugarcoat all the time, to:
Keep the peace
Save face
Control a situation
Guide your thought processes by encouraging “positivity” and discouraging “negativity”
Moderate your emotional response to their liking
When sugarcoating is used as a tactic (even subconsciously), it’s usually to prevent you from
experiencing, acknowledging, or expressing negative emotions. People use this tactic for all sorts of
fear-based reasons that center around their struggle to own their negative emotions.
People use sugarcoating to manipulate you by highlighting the “positive” so that there’s no place for
the “negative.”
Pay close attention to your conversations. Spot out the times when the someone else says something
positive about something that’s actually negative (or that normally would be). Learn to discern
whether that’s genuine positivity or if they’re sugarcoating to somehow control the situation or steer
your thoughts and emotions. In such a case, you may feel the pressure to be positive as well, even if
you aren’t feeling it. You may additionally feel:
Guilty for having any negative thoughts and feelings related to the issue
Out of place for having negative thoughts and feelings
Insensitive for not sharing the other person’s sugary sentiment
Impolite for not being more friendly and positive
Wrong, out of line, or even downright crass
Keep in mind that even if you feel all of the above — it’s not because there is something wrong with
you.
It’s because the other person has indirectly indicated that they don’t really want to hear what you have
to say if it’s not sweet. In other words, it’s their problem.
Your negative emotions aren’t a problem as long as you work with them constructively.
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