How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 135

She hurt me first.

Who can blame the covert abuser in victim’s
clothing? After all, they are only protecting
themselves. When in fact, the abuser has merely
found a way to continue their offense under the
masquerade of defense.
Or righteous anger can be the justification for
unintentionally hurting you. They didn’t mean
to…BUT they were angry. And , of course, you
made them angry, therefore they are justified in
whatever manner they hurt you.
They are justified for lashing out on you, for
tearing you to shreds, for screaming at you, for
every word of cruelty spoken, for chewing you up
and spitting you out.
They were angry. That says it all. They were
entitled.
The presumption is that there was good cause, and
even if there wasn’t, their being angry, in and of itself, is justification for any bad behavior. Again,
you’re supposed to understand this.
One of my ex’s used “I was angry” as end of discussion. I was just supposed to accept that with an
“Oh, okay then.” Pick up the pieces of the parts of me that were just blasted all over the place, satisfied
as if that just explained and justified everything. There was to be no further talk about how his actions
may have impacted me. No talk at all about my feelings.
I suppose “I was angry” sounds better than “I was vindictive or punishing or vengeful or feeling
particularly sadistic in the moment and enjoyed seeing you traumatized.”
But anger is not a free to do anything you want card. The only thing anger “entitles” you to do is to
express it in healthy ways for the resolution of whatever authentically pains you. And to do it in such a
way that honors both you and the person with whom you are angry.
Feigned anger is self serving. It hides its true motives for control. Real anger is merely genuine. It
seeks to reveal itself for resolution.

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