How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 120

therapist that she thought her father was pushing her too hard. Her father was a prominent and
successful businessman who had big plans for his daughter. But whenever the mother confronted the
father about what she believed to be the relentless pressure he was placing on their child, he would
retort that he was only trying to be a good father, to be sure that he afforded the child every
opportunity, and to help her achieve her full potential. Toward that end, he had insisted she be placed
in advanced programs, insisted on all-A report cards, and had frequent conferences with the teachers
when he thought they weren’t doing enough to help. When the girl buckled under the pressure, he hired
a tutor, boasting that he was the kind of parent who would do anything he could to help his daughter
achieve her potential. (All this was for a child who the educational professionals had repeatedly
indicated was of only average intellectual ability.)
The father didn’t seem to care that the child was buckling under the pressure
I was so struck by the “dynamics” in this family that I made a case study of it and eventually included a
modified version of it in my book In Sheep’s Clothing. What struck me the most about this family was
how determined the father was to have his way (the hallmark of an aggressive personality), how selfquestioning and guilty the mother felt whenever she questioned his motives, and how differently the
child’s emotional suffering affected her parents. The child’s suffering was so obvious it would be hard
to ignore. The mother didn’t ignore it but didn’t feel valid in her interpretations of events. The father
didn’t seem to care that the child was buckling under the pressure; what was important to him was that
she accomplish the plans he had long set for her. I then came to realize how effective playing the
servant role could be as a manipulation tactic. It’s hard to see someone as a ruthless oppressor when
they’re constantly laying claim to tireless efforts on another’s behalf. My gut was reacting instinctively
to this man’s aggression (as was his wife’s), yet it was hard to point out clearly the nature of his acts
(even the therapist assigned to this case aligned with the father’s position for awhile). So, I eventually
came to understand one of the main reasons people get manipulated, especially by aggressive
personalities. They don’t trust their gut-level feelings and instincts. Instead of paying attention to their
inner fear and angst, and instead of ascribing validity to their initial response, they “listen” to the
rationalizations and buy into the message being implied (e.g., “I’m the servant here, not the oppressor,
don’t you see?). They then part company with their intuition and succumb to the manipulation.
One of the early pioneers of cognitive-behavioral therapy coined the term “dominance under the guise
of service” to describe the tactic of playing the role of servant. It’s an effective tactic and one that’s
hard to spot right away. But like the other tactics we’ve been discussing, it can inflict a fair amount of
damage if not challenged.

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