How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 118

20. Vilifying the victim:
More than any other, this tactic is a powerful means of putting the victim on the defensive while
simultaneously masking the aggressive intent of the manipulator.
By “pointing to another wrong”, the manipulator turns the tables and accuses his victim of doing what
he himself is being accused of, … or worse.
“You say that I am lying. I don’t think so! I think you are not being honest yourself!”
“How dare you accuse me of being messy? When was the last time you even took a shower?”
Manipulators know this is a good way to put their victim on the defensive. Neurotics especially hate to
think of themselves as the injuring party and would rather carry the burden of abuse than see
themselves as an abuser. Manipulators know this well. So, when they want to take advantage, a good
one-two punch is to play the victim and then vilify the real victim.
Sometimes it takes a lot of nerve
to confront a manipulator’s
behavior.
One reason it takes so much nerve
is that usually the neurotic
individual has an intuitive sense
of the manipulator’s innate
forcefulness, resolve, and
capacity to stand ground when
challenged.
Another reason is that neurotic
individuals are among the most
conscientious and the least
aggressive of individuals, so they
are naturally uncomfortable in the
role of confronter.
Neurotics, being who they are, are very vulnerable to the ploy of vilifying the victim. When a neurotic
individual finally gets up enough nerve to confront a manipulator about their behavior, within minutes
the manipulator is generally able to turn the tables and cast the victim of the hurtful behavior in a bad
light.
Dr George Simon, author of this article, gives an example of a mother who finally had to confront her
aggressive child’s increasingly disruptive behavior. When she did, the child launched a verbal barrage
that included: “You’re always saying bad things about me” and “You act like you hate me.” As
conscientious as the mother was, she then began to wonder if she actually hadn’t become too critical
lately and if indeed her behavior might truly look to her child like she hated the child.
She never stopped to think that if the child actually believed that she never had a good thing to say and
that she actually hated her, then there would be absolutely no point in the child’s pointing out those
things, because such words would have absolutely no impact on a woman with a heart of stone. It
never occurred to her that the child must instinctively and deeply know that she actually cared quite a
bit and that her conscientiousness was her biggest vulnerability. In other words, it never occurred to her
that her child knew exactly what to say and do to manipulate her. It also didn’t occur to her that by
allowing the child to continually use those tactics to manipulate her, she was helping to ensure that the
child would continue resisting accepting the principles of responsible conduct she was trying to instill
in her.

117