How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 116

19. Shaming: using people’s conscience against themselves
Manipulators use sarcasm and put-downs to increase fear and self-doubt in the victim. They use this
tactic to make others feel unworthy and therefore defer to them. Shaming tactics can be very subtle
such as a fierce look or glance, unpleasant tone of voice, rhetorical comments, subtle sarcasm.
Manipulators can make one feel ashamed for even daring to challenge them. It is an effective way to
foster a sense of inadequacy in the victim.
The technique is very successful if used against neurotics. One of the main differences between
“neurotic” individuals and manipulators is
their level of conscience development —
especially their capacities to experience
shame and guilt. Neurotics try hard not only
to project a positive image, but also to do the
right thing. Manipulators know full well that
those with well-developed consciences tend
to feel guilty easily if they think they’ve
done something wrong. Such individuals
also have a big sense of shame when they
think they’ve behaved in a manner that
reflects negatively on their character. So,
when they want to manipulate a good
neurotic, all they have to do is somehow
convince them that they’ve done wrong or behaved in a manner they should feel ashamed of.
A most ironic fact is that almost no one is as expert on the topic of neurosis as is the manipulator.
Shaming and guilt-tripping are without question the favorite tactics manipulators use to manipulate
people with consciences that are more developed than theirs. In one case, a child whose bad behavior
was appropriately pointed out by her mother complained, “You never have anything good to say about
me,” thus inviting her mother to feel guilty for saying anything. In another case, a philandering
husband whose wife had had enough of his behavior pointedly tried to convince her that she had not
been sufficiently attentive to him, inviting her to feel ashamed of her performance as a wife.
A most important point to remember is that neither the tactic of
guilt-tripping nor the tactic of shaming would have a prayer of being
effective as a manipulation tool if it weren’t for the fact that neurotic
individuals have such active consciences that prompt them to feel
guilty or shameful when they think they’ve fallen short. Just try
using the tactics of shaming or guilt-tripping a disordered character.
Their undeveloped or sometimes even absent conscience makes it
poss