How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 115
18. Third party authority
This manipulative ploy is pseudo-sociology in action. The manipulator takes it upon themselves to tell
you what everybody, various friends, your father, … someone else said is the right thing to do. It's a
handy way of pushing aside the responsibility from themselves while loading it all onto you.
Move away from the mind games of what the manipulator thinks other people say or do.
The use of third party "authority" is thoughtlessly rampant in much of everyday life because we like to
defer to these generalizations as a way of backing up our own vague and often unexplored preferences.
While most of us know it's a bad habit, in the hands of a manipulator, it becomes a weapon.
Whenever a manipulator resorts to quoting what your Aunt May, cousin Josh or darling Katie down the
street would do or are saying, see warning lights flashing. This tactic is used to try and compare the
perceived lack in your responsiveness with the manner in which other people apparently would behave
more appropriately than you (read: they'd do it for the manipulator whereas you're holding out).
While some of this is to do with the manipulator fantasizing that the grass is greener in someone else's
life, it's far more about being a tool that lets the manipulator put the blame on someone else, therefore
not taking responsibility for his or her opinion.
A:"Mary says it'd be better if you didn't leave me alone all the time. She says it's harmful for
me."
You:"I didn't realize Mary was a psychologist. I must speak to her about the possibility of her
spending more time with you."
A:"Everyone thinks you're not being kind to me when you refuse to buy me a second diamond
ring."
You:"Everyone? I must meet these people who are so flush! I'd love to buy you another ring
but I'm glad you have a beautiful one to keep you occupied until our budget can withstand any
more large purchases."
More Examples:
"We were wondering if you..."
"They said you..."
"She thought you..."
"Everyone thinks you..."
How to deal with it:
Ask who is "we", "they", or "someone" and ask for the
manipulator's own point of view.
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