How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 113
16. Mind Reading - The assumption statement
This manipulative tactic seeks to turn your behavior into what the beholder perceives it as, whether or
not their interpretation is accurate. Soon leads to a guilt trip because no matter what, your refutation is
proof of the assumption.
Shift the assumption statement away from you.
One of the things that is so riling about having
another person tell you what it is that you're
thinking or doing is that they are not taking you
seriously or treating you as a whole person.
Instead, they are attempting to overlay how they'd
like you to behave and this comes right back to
how they'd like you behave so that it benefits
them. Assumption statements can be harder to
pick up on but it's essential that you do so in order
to deflect them quickly and effectively. Some
examples include statements using "suppose",
"guess", "wish", etc: "I suppose you're going to
leave me alone again." or "I wish you'd
understand how hard it is for me, after all I've
done for you, to have you not want to stay longer
with me each Christmas."
The problem with the assumption statement is
that there is no question; a manipulator doesn't
like asking questions because it causes them to feel a loss of control. In a healthier relationship
situation, questions would elicit what you're doing and a conversation could proceed from this
understanding; a manipulator would prefer to make the assumption as to what you're doing because it
then allows them to them to be in control of the you they've described rather than the you they need to
listen to. Break the supposition away from your actions by ignoring the manipulative negative
implication and return the manipulator to reality by clarifying your equally valid value attaching to
what you're doing. For example:
112
A: "I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me, after all I've done for you, to have you not
want to stay longer with me each Christmas."
You: "Actually, I spend as much time with you as I spend with Kate's parents and just as you
and dad used to do when I was growing up, I'm happily dividing my time equally between both
families."
A: "I suppose you're going to leave me alone again."
You: "I'm not leaving you alone. You've got your favorite movie on tonight, the dog's with you
wanting attention, and I'll be back on Tuesday, as usual."
A: "If you've got more important things to do, then it's best you don't waste time visiting me."
You: "I'm glad you understand how busy things are for me right now. It's an expensive time to
fly and I'll be able to spend more time with you when I come next May."