How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 108

13. Selective inattention or selective attention:
Selective Listening and Attention: Hearing What You Want to Hear as a Manipulation Tactic
Another behavior that manipulators frequently display is “selective attention” or “selective listening.”
They simply refuse to pay attention to anything that may distract from their agenda, saying things like
"I don't want to hear it".
Manipulators are good at seeing only what they
want to see and hearing only what they want to
hear. Stanton Samenow referred to their habit of
paying highly selective attention as “mental
filtering” or “paying attention only to what suits
him.” “Tuning-out” someone who’s trying to
make a point, teach a lesson, or call attention to
a problem is a principal way that the disordered
character resists internalizing the values,
standards, and controls society wants him to
adopt. One cannot be “open” to the idea of
accepting a principle while simultaneously
refusing to pay it any attention. One cannot
empathize with another’s concerns and tune out
the other person at the same time. In short, one cannot be in the receptive/submissive mode and the
combative/closed mode at the same time.
The tactic of selective attention goes hand in hand with the inattentional thinking patterns. When you
start to confront a manipulator about a problem behavior, they almost always know what you’re about
to say before you actually say it. And, they almost immediately start tuning you out. The reason they
“don’t want to hear it” is that they are not prepared to submit themselves to the principle of conduct
you and they both know underlies the confrontation you are about to make. So, when they start tuning
you out, you have absolute assurance they have no intention of changing course.
Many times, selective attention is mistaken for attentional deficiency, especially in children and
adolescents. Some young persons, through no fault of their own, have trouble sustaining focus and
attention. They might be able to do so when hyperstimulated, but otherwise have problems attending to
a task. Selective attention is different, although it can accompany attentional deficiency. Many parents
have intuitively known that their child’s hearing seems to improve instantly when they’re talking
openly about something they know the child wants or likes.
One of the key tools to empowerment is the tool of selective speaking. In my early work with
manipulators, one of the ways I confirmed that they were indeed tuning me out deliberately and to test
whether they were in the slightest ready to receive counsel was simply not to talk unless they at least
appeared attentive and receptive. Over the years, this has turned out to be by far one of my most
powerful therapeutic techniques and also one of the most empowering tools for persons in relationships
with a manipulator.

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