How to Coach Yourself and Others Beware of Manipulation | Page 105

11. Rationalization:
An excuse made by the manipulator for inappropriate behavior.
Manipulators often try to “justify” their bad behavior.
Traditional psychology trained us to see their “rationalizations” as unconscious defenses against
feelings of guilt for their actions. But when manipulators make excuses, they’re really making a very
conscious attempt to cast themselves in a more favorable light while manipulating others into seeing
their point of view.
It’s not a defense but a perfect example of covert aggression. And because it’s a very serious way in
which they avoid responsibility and resist adopting the standards of conduct we want them to embrace,
when a person makes excuses, it’s a sure bet they’ll engage in the bad behavior again.
Effective manipulation tactics simultaneously put others on the defensive while also obscuring or
denying the malevolent intent of the person using them. Such tactics are particularly effective on
neurotic individuals — especially those who always want to think the best of people and who strive
hard to understand what would make a person behave in a problematic way.
Manipulators tend to engage in certain automatic (i.e., habitual, but nonetheless conscious and
deliberate) behaviors that simultaneously serve the purposes of justifying antisocial behavior, resisting
any subordination of their wills to a higher authority, manipulating and controlling others, and
managing the impressions others have of them and the nature of their character. In the end, by
frequently engaging in these behaviors manipulators reinforce in their own minds the notion that their
preferred way of doing things is okay and there is no need to change their ways of relating to others.
Some of the “tactics” manipulators use to avoid responsibility and manipulate others have been
traditionally viewed as ego defense mechanisms, arising out of the erroneous but still common notion
that everyone feels badly to some degree when they want act on their primal urges and against the
interest of the greater good. As a result, it was presumed that everyone exhibiting such behaviors was
“defending” against feelings of shame and guilt. But, as Dr George Simon pointed out before, all
metaphors can be stretched beyond their capacity to be useful, and traditional metaphors about why
people do the things they do become greatly strained when trying to understand and deal with
manipulators. (See “Shame, Guilt and Character Development”.)
The concept of defense mechanisms becomes the most greatly tested when we’re trying to truly
understand the behavioral habits and tactics of the disordered character. When it comes to
understanding and dealing with the manipulator, many of the behaviors we have traditionally thought
of as defense mechanisms are better viewed as automatic (although conscious and deliberate) behaviors
that simultaneously serve to justify or excuse antisocial behavior, obstruct the internalization of prosocial values (avoid responsibility), effectively manipulate and control others who don’t quite
understand the true intentions and motivations of the manipulator, and manage the impressions others
have so as to keep any social pressure to change at bay.
Almost any behavior can and has been used at one time or another by a manipulator as a means to
avoid responsibility and manipulate others.
The manipulation and responsibility avoidance tactics manipulators employ are too numerous to list. In
fact, almost any behavior can and has been used at one time or another by a manipulator as a means to
avoid responsibility and manipulate others.
Sometimes the manipulator will go to great lengths to attempt to “justify” a behavior he knows is
wrong or knows others regard as wrong. Manipulators are forever making excuses for their harmful or

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