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May 2016 | Read this issue and more at www.healthandwellnessmagazine.net |
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PARENTING FOR WELLNESS
Stepparenting: Building Authentic Relationships
Integration of families can take a while, so be patient
By Sarah Brokamp, Staff Writer
As part of
a generation
where divorced
families are
more than common, many of my friends and family
members have firsthand experience
with parents splitting up and new
ones arriving. For example, my uncle
after divorcing saw his small family
of three grow to a family of seven. It
was a very exciting yet stressful time.
He had only two daughters, and he is
very close to both of them. Then he
suddenly had four daughters and a
son. The situation was overwhelming
for everyone involved. There were
new routines to follow and different
standards of communication to adjust
to, and quality time now had to be
split seven ways. Everyone experienced changes and discomfort. My
uncle and his new wife both wanted
to show the new members of their
family as much love as possible and
make the transition a calm one, but
that is easier said than done.
When you are a stepparent, the
first thing you look for in your
stepchild/children is acceptance
and approval. You want them to be
comfortable around you but you may
also be desperate for them to love
you. But that does not often happen
immediately. You are a stranger to
them. They are still learning how you
discipline and are discerning your
expectations of them. They may be
hesitant to come to you at first. They
may be dependent on just their biological parent and not you. Do not
worry; their dependency and love
will come with time.
As you wait, try to make the transition smooth. Make suggestions for
one-on-one time with your stepchildren, but do not force it. Offer to
take them to school or out to lunch.
You and your stepchild
already share something
special: the love for and
of your spouse.
If they decline, don’t assume you are
doing something wrong. They are
still getting used to having you as a
constant member of their family.
If you find yourself becoming
angry or frustrated because the
relationship between you and your
stepchild is not blossoming, realize
the stepchild can sense these feelings. This adds even more stress and
pressure to the situation and it can
set the relationship back even further.
The authentic relationship you want
from your new family members does
not happen overnight. Integration of
the family usually takes a long time,
sometimes a couple of years or more.
When it happens, it will feel natural,
but you will have to keep working on
it. The most important part about
building a solid stepparent and stepchild relationship is not to give up
even when it looks as though it is
going nowhere. Keep offering one-
on-one time with the child and make
sure communication remains open.
Stepparenting is not a one-person
job. Make sure your spouse is aware
of your parenting style. As husband
and wife, you’ll need to make accommodations for your different methods
of discipline. Having agreed-upon
parenting actions, consequences and
methods makes the family feel more
united. When mother and father are
on the