encouraging children through a new sibling t r a n s i t i o n
Small Person, Big Changes
|by Kelly Bartlett
Adding a new baby to the family is an exciting
time for families. Children especially feel that
eagerness as they hold their new baby brother
or sister for the first time; they finally get to
see who has been inside of mom’s growing
belly all these months! Their initial enthusiasm may fade, though, as the weeks go on
and the reality of a baby’s needs sets in. Most
parents see changes in behavior in their older
children sometime during the first year after
a new sibling is born. Parents may see a onceagreeable child acting out, becoming defiant,
or beginning to show behavior struggles at
school.
This is normal; a child’s natural growth compounded with the stress of adjusting to a new
family member can be overwhelming. It can
cause her to think differently about herself
and to behave differently as she tries to find
her place in the family. When a new sibling
comes home, an older child’s place in the family has changed, and she has difficulty understanding that it’s not a replacement, but simply a re-adjustment. Like everything in child
development, this transition takes time.
According to Dr. Jane Nelsen, parent educator
and author of Positive Discipline, what kids
need most is a sense of significance and be-
longing, and this need is often most persistent
after the birth of a new sibling. Nelsen says,
“Significance and belonging are what all children and adults strive for; we want to know
that we matter and that we have an important
place in the world.” To a child, that ‘world’ is
his family, and the arrival of a new sibling can
disrupt any sense of security that he had in
it. When he no longer feels that he belongs,
those feelings are inherently reflected in his
behavior.
Dr. Nelsen says, “A misbehaving child is a
discouraged child.” Misbehavior is the result
of a child’s subconscious belief about himself
that he is unloved or unimportant. He may act
out to try to reconfirm his parents’ love, or try
to reestablish his own sense of significance. “It
is important for parents to realize that a child’s
difficult beMisbehavior is the result
havior is the
of a child’s subconscious
result of feelbelief about himself that he
ing discouris unloved or unimportant.
aged about
He may act out to try to
his place in
reconfirm his parents’ love,
the family.
or try to reestablish his own
Rather than
sense of significance.
being punished, that child needs to be encouraged,” says
Nelsen. And there are many ways to offer it.
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