Green Child Magazine Winter 2015 | Page 13

encouraging children through a new sibling t r a n s i t i o n Small Person, Big Changes |by Kelly Bartlett Adding a new baby to the family is an exciting time for families. Children especially feel that eagerness as they hold their new baby brother or sister for the first time; they finally get to see who has been inside of mom’s growing belly all these months! Their initial enthusiasm may fade, though, as the weeks go on and the reality of a baby’s needs sets in. Most parents see changes in behavior in their older children sometime during the first year after a new sibling is born. Parents may see a onceagreeable child acting out, becoming defiant, or beginning to show behavior struggles at school. This is normal; a child’s natural growth compounded with the stress of adjusting to a new family member can be overwhelming. It can cause her to think differently about herself and to behave differently as she tries to find her place in the family. When a new sibling comes home, an older child’s place in the family has changed, and she has difficulty understanding that it’s not a replacement, but simply a re-adjustment. Like everything in child development, this transition takes time. According to Dr. Jane Nelsen, parent educator and author of Positive Discipline, what kids need most is a sense of significance and be- longing, and this need is often most persistent after the birth of a new sibling. Nelsen says, “Significance and belonging are what all children and adults strive for; we want to know that we matter and that we have an important place in the world.” To a child, that ‘world’ is his family, and the arrival of a new sibling can disrupt any sense of security that he had in it. When he no longer feels that he belongs, those feelings are inherently reflected in his behavior. Dr. Nelsen says, “A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.” Misbehavior is the result of a child’s subconscious belief about himself that he is unloved or unimportant. He may act out to try to reconfirm his parents’ love, or try to reestablish his own sense of significance. “It is important for parents to realize that a child’s difficult beMisbehavior is the result havior is the of a child’s subconscious result of feelbelief about himself that he ing discouris unloved or unimportant. aged about He may act out to try to his place in reconfirm his parents’ love, the family. or try to reestablish his own Rather than sense of significance. being punished, that child needs to be encouraged,” says Nelsen. And there are many ways to offer it. 13