connections – emotional, sexual, and spiritual –that we may have with others. Rather than dishonestly embarking on affairs or engaging with a string of partners, polyamory acknowledges the complexity of our being and expansion of our love.
Doug and I have been in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships (sometimes also referred to as “closed” and “open” relationships) and we both know the merits and pitfalls of each one. The light of monogamy is the strength and depth of commitment it provides, there is no “back door” escape route. However, the dark side of conventional monogamy can be the stifling of our beloved, placing conditions and controls on their freedom in the name of “love”. The light of polyamory is that it recognises and communicates our evolving needs and wants openly and with honesty; the dark side of multiple connections is that we may miss the possibility for depth.
When Doug and I met, we both knew that we wanted to go deep with one person, while still acknowledging that other connections and attractions may exist and emerge. Radical honesty and sharing are vital components of making this work in a way that allows us to express the fullness of ourselves whilst being in integrity with the commitment we have made to one another.
Some time back, I witnessed Doug having a very hot and juicy connection with another woman at a party. In the moment. In the momentI enjoyed seeing this and experiencing a different side of Doug. However, in the weeks afterwards, I started to feel anxious and bothered; comparing myself to the other woman, wondering if I was lacking in some way by not providing this kind of hot and juicy playfulness. I shared my thoughts and fears with Doug rather than hiding my insecurities, not with the intention that Doug do anything about it, but to bring awareness into what I was experiencing. What could have been a poison eating away at our relationship instead became a fertiliser for reflection and growth.
I feel blessed to be in relationship with someone who listens, witnesses me in my challenges and holds me in a place of love. He doesn’t take it personally or get upset. He is a mirror of my best self and he stays true to this reflection even when I can’t see myself properly. This is what happens when we choose “Love” above our own personal considerations.
“Don’t surrender to a person, surrender to love.”- Osho
Ultimately in committing to being together for “5 years and a day”, Doug and I have created the strongest possible container for our relationship and made a conscious choice about the form and function of our relationship. Rather than this taking out the romance or excitement of being with our beloved, it creates a fluid space in which we keep expanding and growing in Love together.
Editor's Note: This is an edited version of part of a blog by Gayatri. If you would like to read the full version, please click on the following link: