Karen La Corte
manners MATTER
Karen La Corte is an etiquette and manners expert trained and
certified by the Emily Post Institute in Vermont. Karen is happy to
answer your questions — email her at [email protected]
How to be There for Someone Who's Sick
A
bout a year ago a good friend
told me that I should write an
article about what folks should
do when a good friend or family
member falls ill. I’ve been putting it off
because folks tend to like more cheer-
ful articles. But this question keeps
coming up for me so here I go.
First, if someone is diagnosed with
a life-threatening disease, there’s an
acceptance process that must take
place for the person diagnosed and
for their family. Everyone handles
this differently and the thing to keep
in mind is that acceptance is totally
driven by the person who has the ill-
ness. They may want to remain quiet
with no or little communication for
a while. It’s a lot to absorb. There are
adjustments to be made in everyday
life. Sometimes there’s a sense of deni-
al. And that can be followed by feel-
ings of anger, frustration or anxiety.
With acceptance, a course of treat-
ment can be determined. This may
take a while also. Types of treatments
can be discussed, second opinions may
be sought after, and then reality really
sets in with the start of the treatment.
It is during this time that a good
friend may wonder what to do. Do I
visit, or not? Do I send flowers, or not?
Do I bring food, or have it delivered?
If you ask your sick friend, he or she
may say, “I just don’t feel up to seeing
anybody right now.” He or she may
not return your phone calls or texts.
This is where the good friend in you
respects his or her wishes to be alone
to deal with this life-changing situ-
ation. This is a “it’s not about you”
moment. Your feelings should not
be hurt. Their feelings are what is
important here.
If it’s been a while since your dear
friend said “No thanks” to your offer
of company, go anyway. Go, but don’t
stay for a long visit. Bring books,
magazines, their favorite dish or
cookies. Make a blanket or a playlist
of their favorite music.
You can leave positive messages on
their phone, but don’t worry about
that person calling you back. Text
positive emoji’s or text an encouraging
or inspiring quote. But don’t expect a
text back.
I know someone who was angered
because their friend with heart disease
had not responded to their numerous
phone calls. This person quit calling
his friend and decided they weren’t
good friends after all. I eventually put
my two cents in and said, “Hey, this
isn’t about you. You don’t know what
your friend is going through. Try not
to be judgmental. Don’t let this ruin
your relationship. Just back off for a
while.” Some folks withdraw and go
into “quiet mode” for a time.
I’m guilty of being quiet when
something is wrong with me, of not
telling anyone except my immediate
family (if they are lucky) what is wrong
with me. Recently I had orthoscopic
surgery but didn’t speak of it until it
was over. I’m one of those people who
needs time to fully process things in
my mind before I can share them with
others. I want to have the results in
hand before I share the details with
others. I’m lucky. My close friends
know this about me.
About fifteen years ago, one of my
GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
april/may 2019
dear friends was diagnosed with a rare
form of breast cancer. Her treatment
lasted for a couple of years. During that
time, she did not want to see me or
anyone else. She lived in another city,
so every month or so I drove there and
left something on her doorstep. A book,
baked goods, stationery, a plant—little
reminders that I was thinking of her
but respected her privacy. Sometimes I
just left a note and some leopard wrap-
ping paper. Leopard just happens to be
my signature brand in case you didn’t
know. In all seriousness, the leopard
touch made her smile every time. She
ended up beating the cancer and has
been in remission for over ten years.
To this day she is very appreciative
of the fact that I didn’t expect more
from her than she was able to give.
I knew that I’d get an email or a call
from her when she was ready.
On another note, when someone
is in the hospital, it is important to
respect people’s privacy. Some folks
like you to visit. Others don’t. If you
do visit a sick friend in the hospital,
stay just a few minutes. You can bring
or send flowers, fruit, balloons or
stuffed animals as appropriate. But, be
mindful that the whole reason they are
in there is because they are ill, have had
surgery, or have been in an accident.
The only joyous hospital stay is when
someone has had a baby! And then
gifts for the mother and the baby are
gladly welcomed.
To my point, just be there for your
sick friend. Don’t be hard on them.
Don’t be hard on yourself. Prayers,
love and the sincerity of it all is what
really matters.
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