gmhTODAY 19 gmhToday April May 2018 | Page 69

the RELATIONSHIP dance

WITH VICKI MINERVA

What Makes Sexual Harrassment or Abuse a Problem ?

We ’ ve been hearing more and more about sexual harassment in the workplace with allegations coming from various high-profile sources . In addition , the response to the “ Me Too ” movement has been overwhelming and caused some men anxiety as they wonder if a wellintentioned hug might be misconstrued . So , what is it about this topic that has created such a tidal wave ?

First off , while the majority of victims are typically women , men have also been affected . This is primarily due to the differences in power , whether it is in size and strength or positions of power and control . Men are sometimes unaware of just how intimidating their physical presence can be . There have also been cultural mindsets that have inferred that women shouldn ’ t be too aggressive , powerful . Women should be nice .
The dynamics and dangers associated with sexual harassment are on the same spectrum as those associated with childhood sexual abuse because of the differential in power . In fact , one of the greatest predictors of trauma and abuse in adulthood is the presence of abuse in childhood . There is damage done to the sense of self as you ’ re growing up , which establishes the boundaries and expectations that you SHOULD be treated with respect and dignity . That self image can change , so it doesn ’ t mean that you ’ re condemned to a life of abuse , but it often requires a commitment to change what you grew up believing about yourself .
The net result of sexual abuse and harassment is the belief that you don ’ t matter , that your worth is based on your appearance and ability to please others . You don ’ t know you have the right to be treated with respect , or that your physical and emotional safety is even possible . Whether outright trauma , or the more subtle but still powerful feeling of shame , the effects can last a lifetime . When I asked friends for input , one described a process of “ grooming ” that she had seen . A person in power can begin with seemingly innocuous behaviors that may be both flattering and slightly crossing a line . It can range from a popular boy snapping your bra , to a boss being slightly flirtatious or extra attentive . It ’ s confusing because on one hand the attention can feel good , on the other , also embarrassing or creepy . It can become part of a process , testing how far they can proceed before you react or sound an alarm . ( Think about the reference to making it to “ bases ” but on a much more subtle level to start .) By the time you ’ re really clear this isn ’ t okay , it can feel like a really tangled web you ’ ve gotten into because you ’ re confused and second-guess if you are somehow responsible .
The women I asked for input about what contributes to the “ creepy ” factor had similar things to say . There ’ s often a physical reaction . Descriptions like “ makes your skin crawl ” and “ the hair stands up on the back of your neck ” are indicators that you feel like you ’ re in the presence of a predator . Pay attention to that feeling !!!
One woman described the ‘ too ’ factor : the hug is too tight the hands are too low , they stand too close and stare too long . There is a disregard for personal space that is just not okay . There are some people who don ’ t read social cues well and may misinterpret politeness as an invitation to go to the next step . Still not okay . Others are strategic and aim to create confusion to push the line .
Really not okay . Alcohol is also a major contributing factor in many instances .
I ’ ve had conversations with good men who have expressed concern about their actions being misinterpreted . Honestly , if you have good intentions , most women can tell the difference . While I ’ m sure there are women who have falsely accused men in the process , the pressure to keep silent and the fear of not being believed have allowed the offenses to continue far too long and caused the deluge of reports seen recently .
If you ’ re concerned about your actions being misunderstood , ask yourself how you would behave towards someone you aren ’ t attracted to , someone you respect . If you can exchange the interaction you ’ re concerned about with someone like your grandma or a close friend , you ’ re probably fine . In a dating setting , clear communication is always the best policy . To quote my daughter , “ It seems like there ’ s a worry that asking ‘ is this okay ?’ might ruin the mood . The potential alternative , of not asking , and your date feeling violated will definitely ruin the mood . Asking shows respect and care . So does hearing and accepting a no .”
All of this focus has brought a new awareness to an issue that has existed forever . I ’ m glad we can talk about it . Let ’ s use it for good .
Vicki Minerva has lived and worked in the South County area as a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 35 years . Her education includes a M . Div . degree from Fuller Seminary and a M . A . in Marriage , Family Counseling from Santa Clara University . vickiminerva . com
My goal is to provide you with some information and help you access tools that will help you live your life and manage your relationships in healthier ways . This information is not a substitute for personal counseling and should not be taken out of context . There are many reputable therapists in the South County area should you need additional help .
GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN APRIL / MAY 2018 gmhtoday . com
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