{ }
AGING
with an
Attitude
Under-
standing
is in the
details
Dorie Sugay is the Executive Director
of Visiting Angels, a company that
provides living-assistance services to
seniors and adults-in-need who wish
to stay in their own home or receive
one-on-one care within a facility.
This article is for informational and
educational purposes only. It was
written independently of Visiting
Angels. The names of clients and
caregivers were changed to
protect their privacy.
84
L
ife’s details are often missed when one
cannot be there in person—details
that matter. A TV commercial comes
to mind. In the commercial, two men are
talking as they sit around a backyard fi repit.
“How are things?” asks one.
“Okay, you?” replies the other.
“K,” the fi rst responds.
The conversation ends and both men
silently stare at a fi re. The next scene takes
us inside the house to the kitchen where an
older and a younger woman are talking.
“How are things?” asks the older woman.
The younger woman begins talking about
her son and how well things went on his
fi rst day at school. Her description of the
event is so detailed that it’s easy to imagine
the little boy grinning with pride and
enthusiasm.
We all communicate differently, sharing
different levels of detail.
At Visiting Angels, our clients’ family
members often share with us their
frustrations with what I call “backseat
drivers.” In other words, family members
who send instructions or make judgments
without knowing all the details. They care,
but they are not present to observe fi rsthand
what is going on with their loved one. As
I write this, I am sitting next to my last
surviving brother, who is in hospice. I took
a leave of absence from work to help out.
At times, it means being “on duty” for ten
or more hours a day. Family members often
forget about the sacrifi ces made by those
who are providing daily care for their loved
ones. There is both a physical and emotional
toll to contend with, especially when the
caregiver is not trained to serve in that role.
Often the demand is constant—adjust-
ing a pillow, making sure the water glass is
full, repositioning, massaging what hurts,
etc. It is not necessarily hard labor but it
is exhausting and often overwhelming. It
is hard to watch a beloved family member
when a debilitating illness progresses,
stripping them of their capabilities, their
independence, and their dignity. It takes its
toll on one’s heart, mind, and soul.
These are the types of details missed by
family living some distance away.
If we are lucky, our loved one is lucid, able
to communicate and to sleep through the
night, affording us some sleep. Often, how-
ever, the caregiver is awakened by a moan,
or a plea for help. As caregivers, we fi ght
back tears, try to stay calm and breathe even
as our chest tightens. We don’t want our
GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2017
feelings to show. Bottling up emotions
becomes the norm. It’s not unusual
for caregivers to feel helpless, sad, and
empty. There’s a realization that love is
not enough.
For many in a hospice phase of
care, pain medications do not provide
relief. As caregivers struggle with the
question—is sedation the answer? When
a loved one must be sedated, it presents
a different challenge. My brother looks
at me and mutters, “I don’t like this,”
because the medication makes him
lethargic. It’s painful to witness the
silencing of his characteristically smart
and humorous conversation, to know
that he’s merely existing as he waits for
that moment of liberation. When family
members are absent, they don’t experi-
ence the details of a loved one’s journey.
As I write this, I am comforted by a
sense of gratitude because those of us
present by my brother’s side share the
same goals and we are blessed with
family members who are medical doctors
to guide us. But we too, deal with “back-
seat drivers” who criticize us and make
slanderous comments and unfair judg-
ments. They don’t know all that is going
on because they aren’t here.
My hope is to help other families with
these words:
Unless you wish to be on location,
please remember that there are many
details you miss. The people who are
busy providing or supervising your loved
one’s care may be too busy and/or too
distraught to give you the details. Don’t
blame them. If you want to know more,
be present and participate in the
caregiving.
The Dalai Lama is quoted to have said,
“If you can’t help them, don’t hurt them.”
If you can’t help with the daily demands
of providing or supervising care, don’t
add to the challenge by being critical or
slanderous. Instead, call. Stay in touch
with the doctor, if possible, and those
who are providing the daily care. Ask
specifi c questions and gather informa-
tion but remember that without fi rsthand
experience of your loved one’s situation,
you’ll be missing some details).
You may have good reason for being
absent, but it doesn’t change the fact that
you’re not part of the onsite caregiving
effort. If you have recommendations for
the caregiver, be respectful in doing so.
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