the RELATIONSHIP dance
WITH VICKI MINERVA
Emotional De-cluttering for the Holidays
I
heard the anxiety as early as this
summer. It’s what I call “opening
season” for the holidays. While it
seemed to emerge earlier than usual
this year, the subject of how to cope
during the holidays is a major source of
conversation in my counseling practice,
especially as the season draws closer.
With a nod to the growing empha-
sis on de-cluttering your environment,
I’d like to propose de-cluttering your
expectations of life during the holidays
as a worthy exercise. If current expec-
tations and plans aren’t working for
you, make you feel bad, or rob you of
joy —you can choose to change things
up!! What that looks like from year to
year will vary. Flexibility is a necessity.
Be realistic – with your time,
money and energy.
Choose your sanity, health and financial
solvency. If people expect something
other than that, you may have to let
them know where your limits are and
kindly, firmly, hold to those limits.
Choose your activities purposefully.
If you’ve experienced a major life
change (death, divorce, marriage, birth
of a child, move, etc.) it’s helpful to
decide what has meaning and what
makes you feel good or bad. Give your-
self permission to revise your plans
accordingly!
Review your calendar commitments
and activities from November to
January. Consciously allow for empty
spaces, in advance. It enables you to say
“No” to lesser priorities (or unrealistic
commitments) when you’ve already set
aside those empty spaces. If something
comes up that’s a priority, you can say
“Yes,” but then carve out another empty
space. Keep that “breathing room” in
your schedule to prevent exhaustion.
Simplify your gift giving.
Ask people what they want instead of
feeling pressured to find the perfect
gift. Talk to your friends and extended
family… it’s likely that if you’re feeling
the financial and time constraints with
lots of gift giving, they are too. They may
welcome the suggestion to draw names,
or skip the gifts and make the holidays
about getting together.
Acknowledge your feelings.
Ignoring them doesn’t make them go
away. It just makes them an invisible
force you have to work around. Not that
you have to wear your heart on your
sleeve. Deal with those feelings during an
empty block of time you can set aside
for a walk or to journal. Or you may
want to confide in a trusted friend.
When you’re intentional about the
holidays, you have better control and
can avoid the unexpected meltdown.
Don’t isolate.
Connect with safe, supportive people
if the need arises. It’s okay to let them
know if you’re having a tough time. It
makes a difference to know that someone
else knows and is thinking good thoughts
or saying prayers on your behalf.
Focus on what you’re grateful for. This
can be an easy one to let slip, but it
makes a big difference to shift your focus,
especially when you’re down, because
gratitude can lift your spirits. Stop and
consciously enjoy the moments of your
holiday season.
Don’t neglect the healthy stuff.
Festivities may tempt you to eat and
drink in excess. Choose moderation. Pick
healthy options when you can, opt not to
have the large serving or the extra drink,
go for the walk. It doesn’t have to be all
or nothing.
If you’re struggling with the holiday
blues, it’s important to know when to
ask for help. If you find yourself having
difficulty performing normal tasks and/
or sleeping, or you feel worthless, hope-
less or helpless, feel persistently sad or
anxious, it may be helpful to check in
with your doctor or therapist. Certainly
if you have thoughts of suicide, get
help. Not all “down” feelings require
professional help, but there is help to
alleviate the suffering when it tips the
scale into depression.
Just an FYI, January is often when the
fallout of the holidays hits. You survived
the Christmas dinner or Hanukkah
celebrations, but the disappointments and
stresses still sting. It’s also when the let-
down from all the hustle and bustle hits.
Plan something for later that gives you
something to look forward to; perhaps
a relaxed winter picnic at the beach
with a few close friends, or a pot of chili
and a rented movie at home with your
immediate family. Simple is good.
Take stock of your expectations now.
De-clutter your calendar of those things
that don’t fit your values and priorities so
you can focus your time, resources and
energy on what matters most. It’s how
you take control of the quality of your
holiday season.
Take care of yourself!!
Vicki Minerva has lived
and worked in the
South County area as
a Marriage and Family
Therapist for over 35
years. She and her
husband George raised
two beautiful daughters
with the help of the vil-
lage here. Her education
includes a M.Div. degree
from Fuller Seminary and
a M.A. in Marriage, Family Counseling from
Santa Clara University. You can contact her
at 408.848.8793 or visit her website at
vickiminerva.com
My goal is to provide you with some information and help you access tools that will help you live your life and manage your
relationships in healthier ways. This information is not a substitute for personal counseling and should not be taken out of context.
There are many reputable therapists in the South County area should you need additional help.
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GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2016
gmhtoday.com