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AGING
with an
Attitude
In Caregiving:
Giving Your
Best Is Not
Enough
Dorie Sugay is the Executive Director
of Visiting Angels, a company that
provides living-assistance services to
seniors and adults-in-need who wish
to stay in their own home or receive
one-on-one care within a facility.
This article is for informational and
educational purposes only. It was
written independently of Visiting
Angels.
82
P
rofessional caregivers come to
understand all that the work
entails during the course of their
training. They go into it with their eyes
open. But what happens when you take
on the role of caregiver, not by training,
but by virtue of a family situation?
Things seem manageable at first. Then
comes the unexpected. Mom or Dad
is diagnosed with dementia or another
debilitating illness. The challenges can be
overwhelming in some cases. So you do
your best, learning by doing.
But in caregiving, giving your best
is not enough. You must do something
else - you must stay committed to your-
self – your needs, your goals and your
dreams. It is not healthy to jump into
caregiving with the idea that you will put
your life on hold, even though it may be
noble to do so. It is healthy to make sure
you continue to have a L-I-F-E even if it’s
a toned-down version of what you had
before you got the call.
Your effort to have a life does not need
to be elaborate. A break from caregiving
duty (regularly please) will help. And
when you take a break – it can be as
simple as giving yourself time to take a
leisurely walk without worrying about
what is happening to your loved one. “But
they need me and I don’t trust a stranger
to come into my parents’ home,” you say.
Parents typically prefer to have a family
member as caregiver, rather than someone
they are not related to. But just as parents
are not supposed to focus solely on their
children while neglecting their marital
relationships, you should not focus solely
on your parents while neglecting your
own needs. You have got to continue to
stay in touch with others and have a life
outside of your parents’ world! If your
siblings dubbed you sole caregiver for
your parents, you need to insist on shared
responsibility – you owe it to yourself! No
one should test someone’s love in this way,
it is not fair.
Some family caregivers quit their career
to take care of their parents. Okay –
maybe you need to be “at work” but you
still deserve a break. We call it respite…
a sanity break. Love has nothing to do
with it either. Caregiving can be very try-
ing. People with stressful jobs recognize
the need for a break. Caregiving is no
different. If siblings can’t step in, there are
GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2016
local in-home health care companies that
have great references. You worry about a
stranger coming to the house; but agencies
are now required to ensure that their
caregivers are registered with the state in
which they are employed. To be registered
in the State of California requires FBI and
Department of Justice clearances AND
these agencies check records from age 18.
You can feel comfortable that there is much
less chance of unknowingly hiring a care-
giver “from the dark side.” Furthermore, all
agencies are now required to also provide
their caregivers with continuous education.
There are qualified caregivers out there
who can look after your parents while you
take care of yourself.
Don’t give up your goals! If before your
parents needed you, you were planning
to learn how to paint – go for it. And
please, don’t expect the people in your life
to abandon their goals either. It really is
unwise to put life on hold because your
Mom or Dad needs you now. Strive for
some balance in your life, or you will not
have much to give to your parents, your
spouse, your kids or anyone else. There’s
no way to know how long or how tough
the journey of caregiving will be – if
you don’t take care of yourself, you may
become robotic, bitter or hard-hearted. An
hour or two, or even a four-hour break will
not hurt your Mom or Dad. Their illness
or insecurity may prevent them from
remembering that you have needs to, so it
is up to you to look out for yourself.
My son was my universe when he was
growing up until he turned 14 and didn’t
want me to give him a kiss in front of his
classmates. That was a 4.5 on my Richter
scale, a rude awakening. I realized he was
growing up and wanted to live his own
life. I knew I’d better get with it or I would
feel lost. That’s why I’m encouraging you
to keep on living even if your parents must
depend on you. Get help from family and
friends here and there if you are not ready
to tap on agencies to help you. When you
have a life outside of your parents’ world,
you bring new energy to your caregiving
efforts. And you know what—in the end,
when your parents see that your life is full
and you are happy, they’ll be more at ease
and happier as well. In caregiving – giving
your best is not enough…because you
need to care and give to yourself to make
the situation work best!
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