the RELATIONSHIP dance
WITH VICKI MINERVA
How Do Those Couples Do It?
Y
ou know, the ones who stay together
and still appear to enjoy each other??
The ones that you see depicted in
the cute pictures of old people walking,
holding hands? I have to admit that they
are more rare than I wish they were. None
of us come from perfect families with the
ability to communicate perfectly. That’s not
even possible! But there are attitudes and
communication skills that we can all learn
which will help to create a more satisfying
relationship. These skills can actually be a
help in any relationship so you don’t have
to be a couple to reap the benefits; use
them at work, with the kids, family, friends.
Unfortunately many come to take the
comfort of familiarity as permission to
not be attentive to basic maintenance in
the relationship. In the same way that my
car will fail on me if I don’t do things like
change the oil or get tune-ups, even refill
the gas tank, our relationships will soon
deteriorate if we don’t take care of them.
A critical starting point (and one
you’ll need to KEEP coming back to) is
approaching each other with respect. It’s
a mindset you may have to train yourself
in, especially if you’ve started down the
slippery slope with short cuts – being curt
with each other when irritable, neglecting
simple manners, saving our best behaviors
for show.
For example, when my husband and
I are trying to make decisions, or have
a disagreement, I remind myself that:
1) He’s an adult; 2) He’s got a different
perspective from his experiences which can
add dimension to the subject; and 3) His
feelings and concerns are important to put
on the table as a factor in any resolution.
It’s important that both people maintain
humility in the problem-solving so that
both feel there is room to share honestly.
When the dynamic shifts to keeping score,
you may win the battle and lose the war
over the long haul. Even if my preference
isn’t decided on, I can feel better about the
final decision when I’ve been able to put it
out there.
This also applies to children. Parents
still need to be parents and are responsible
for the training and care of their children,
but the attitude of respect becomes the
lab of experience that will shape how they
conduct themselves with others. When you
can hear and respond to your t’weens need
to be socially accepted, you may be able
to suggest an alternative that satisfies your
need for a safe environment while helping
your child connect with friends. There
may still be times when the answer is ‘No’
but the conversations that express your
concerns in search of workable options are
invaluable in teaching children how to make
good decisions. I wanted my daughters to
be empowered to manage their lives with
growing skills as they approached adulthood
and that didn’t happen magically on their
18th birthday.
The same principle applies with friends
and coworkers. The amount of time and
energy that can be saved when people treat
each other with respect would probably
surprise you. We all have a silent internal
dialog that runs while conversations
happen aloud. When we feel disrespected,
that internal dialog takes up most of our
attention. Whether I silently feed my
resentments towards the other person, or
berate myself with my own disparaging
comments, I stop being able to respond
to what’s being said. It’s as if my ‘outside’
continues to give the appearance of being
involved while my ‘inside’ plans the next
comeback (instead of listening) or goes
into hiding. It stops being as productive a
conversation as it might have been! When
respect is there, all those distractions are gone.
It’s easier to have a spontaneous conversation
that stays focused when people aren’t second-
guessing themselves or each other.
Saying “‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’” may
seem pointless. The time it takes to think
of a kinder way to say something, or the
effort to readjust your attitude may seem
inefficient until you argue about things
you don’t disagree on. The amount
of good will that you generate with a
respectful attitude makes any relationship
feel safer and more satisfying. This isn’t
idealistic, it’s actually really practical. I’m
pretty sure the little old couple who adore
each other kept respect high on their list.
I realize that there are relationships that
may not feel safe to you because you’re
already in that disrespectful place, or you
may be in a relationship with a person
who has no interest in respecting you.
This complicates things. I encourage you
to read self-help materials, connect with
people who do respect you for support,
pursue meaningful spiritual practices, or
seek counseling if you need to. Keep this
in your toolbox, but you may need some
additional tools as well!
Vicki Minerva has lived and worked in the
South County area as a Marriage and Family
Therapist for over 35 years. She and her hus-
band George raised two beautiful daughters
with the help of the village here. Her educa-
tion includes a M.Div. degree from Fuller
Seminary and a M.A. in Marriage, Family
Counseling from Santa Clara University. You
can contact her at 408.848.8793 or visit
her website at vickiminerva.com
My goal is to provide you with some information and help you access tools that will help you live your life and manage your
relationships in healthier ways. This information is not a substitu te for personal counseling and should not be taken out of context.
There are many reputable therapists in the South County area should you need additional help.
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GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
MARCH/APRIL 2016
gmhtoday.com