‘I know we both care about making
this [project, marriage, team] work
and want to feel [valued, supported,
respected] in it’.
3. EXPRESS YOUR
OPINION AS JUST THAT
When you express your opinion as
though it’s the one and only truth,
you’re guaranteed to get others offside.
Rather, express your perspective as just
that — your perspective — and then
share how it makes you feel using ‘I’
statements.
Feelings are never wrong or right;
they just are. Doing so removes the
judgement so the other person doesn’t
feel you’re making them wrong or
belittling their opinion (which is always
counterproductive). For example, ‘I feel
undervalued and embarrassed when
I’m cut off midsentence in front of
others’ will be heard and responded to
differently from saying, ‘You don’t value
me and always embarrass me’. One
shares; the other accuses.
4. DISTINGUISH THE
PERSON FROM THE
BEHAVIOUR
If you’re unhappy about what someone
has done or failed to do, be careful to
disentangle who they are from what
they’ve done.
Someone may have acted thoughtlessly,
but by labelling them as thoughtless,
careless or cavalier you imply they can’t
be any other way. Instead of boxing
people in, use language in ways that
leave open the possibility for positive
change.
5. ACT BIG WHEN
OTHERS ACT SMALL
Emotions are highly contagious, so
when someone is acting small-minded
or petulant, mean or just outright rude,
resist the temptation to respond in
kind. Hold the high ground and stay
calm, even if they’re getting upset or
throwing accusations.
No matter who it is, what they did
or how strongly you hold them in the
wrong (because, damn it, they are!),
always act with the character, courage
and calmness they may be lacking. It’s
rarely easy to swallow, but it’s those
people who annoy and upset you the
most who have the most to teach you.
6. BE CAREFUL WHAT
YOUR BODY IS SAYING
Your way of being communicates
far more loudly than your words. So
be mindful of how you’re holding
yourself, your tone of voice and facial
expressions. You may not be aware of
these, but the person you’re speaking to
is.
GLOSS JUNE 2015 67