GLOSS Issue 21 APRIL 2015 - Page 53

Let’s get something straight. For the past 14 months - FOURTEEN MONTHS - I have been the sole outpost of LBDGroup in Perth. Fourteen. Months. That’s a lot of time to frock up in my many little black dresses and take myself out for exclusive dinners with - well, me, and discuss my business issues with - yep, you guessed it... Me, me, and that would be ME. I did come up with some fairly innovative solutions admittedly, but that was after a bottle and a half of sauvignon blanc and in the cold (sober) light of day, deciding to rebrand LBDGroup as ‘Kate: The Black Dress of Destiny’ really didn’t have a future, although you can’t deny, it has a nice ring to it as a potential Lloyd-Webber musical. But. Good things come to those who badger Janine Garner incessantly, saying at least twice a day ‘I think Perth is ready for LBD’ and ‘you know when you were here for the wedding? Didn’t you get the feeling Perth wanted LBD NOW???’ and ‘Janine, I swear if you don’t start LBD in Perth within the next three weeks, I am going to hold my breath until I turn blue - oh, and corrupt both my hard dri ves, so that we can’t get GLOSS out.’ ( I didn’t actually make the last statement, but it did happen. It was a nightmare, I still dream about it, and in my quiet moments it haunts me. I think it was payback for the ‘turning blue’ threat). So, after said incessant badgering, and having enough of childish behaviour from her actual children, our Fearless Leader finally said (or screamed) down the phone ‘FINE!!!! PERTH CAN HAVE LBD!!! BUT YOU HAVE TO HOST THE DINNER, BECAUSE THAT’S THE WAY IT’S GOING TO BE, GOT IT???’ After I recovered my eardrums from their place on the carpet, because boy, JG can really make her point when she wants to, I skipped around the room... and then realised something horrifying. ‘I have to WHAT?’ ‘You have to host the first dinner’ she replied calmly, not seeing any issue at all, whilst I went into a frenzy of clothes-rending and eyeballclawing. ‘But - I don’t do that. That’s your gig. I sit and nod, and occasionally say something witty or meaningful about writing, or social media, or copyright!’ I could hear her smirking. I could hear it. ‘Welcome to responsibility. Fun, isn’t it?’ But. As they say, all good things come to those who wait. This is absolute rubbish, by the way. Here’s the thing. Lois Lane doesn’t do responsibility. Lois Lane does adventure, and excitement and interviewing amazing people. LL is a free spirit who can naff off with Superman at the drop of a hat when she feels like it.