GLOSS Issue 19 DEC 2014-JAN 2015 - Page 69

occasions, with no deviation whatsoever. Right. Here we go. SATURDAY MORNING. EARLY O’CLOCK. Wake up. Check iPad for messages and e-mails (already Standard Operating Procedure for the Woman Who Cannot Switch Off). Look online for earmarked presents and their location in various places around the town. Get distracted by things that I want for myself* (shiny!), drop iPad on floor and fall asleep again until Osky jumps on my face because he hasn’t been fed yet. Finally crawl out of bed, look for food, realise we have no food because neither of us has done any shopping, feed the cat before he eats us both and blames the neighbours, chuck a tantrum because I’m hungry, give up on the day and go back to bed. SUNDAY MORNING. SLIGHTLY MORE REALISTIC O’CLOCK. Meh. “Glen had a disability more disfiguring than a burn and more terrifying than cancer. Glen had been born on the day after Christmas. “My parents just combine my birthday with Christmas, that’s all,” he explained. But we knew this was a lie. Glen’s parents just wrapped a couple of his Christmas presents in birthday-themed wrapping paper, stuck some candles in a supermarket cake, and had a dinner of Christmas leftovers.” Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas I think you see what Monday and Tuesday are going to bring, except with more swearing and caffeine because I’m still at work. Finally I go into a frenzy online and buy wildly over-priced things that NOBODY in my family will actually use - probably because they are all things I actually wanted for myself (wow, a new iPad stylus, I can just hear my Dad saying) - and then collapse on the sofa with a very large drink. I think I speak with modesty and honesty when I say that I have truly embodied the spirit of Christmas in one How-Not-To Guide. Speaking seriously for a moment (for a change), this Christmas will be a challenging one for a few reasons, and I am grateful and aware of the incredible people in my life. The New Year may be a little cloudy and uncertain at the moment, but I am counting several blessings nonetheless as I look towards 2015. May your days be merry and bright over the coming weeks. Whether you celebrate Chanukah, Christmas, Festivus or simply having a day to not think too hard, I hope you spend your down time in the company of those you love and who love you back, and that you spare a thought for those less fortunate at a very tough time of the year. Now I need to go. Osky has managed to turn the tree into his