Geek Syndicate Issue 8 | Page 106

Geek Syndicate
me a badly done T-Rex that
looks like a reject from Jumanji’s rendering footage.
These Tyrannosaurs do not
disappoint and provide
countless giggles for all.

• Ian Ziering’s casting as Cortes — Usually, I like to point
out race fail in casting.
Think of how there was so
much white-washing in The
Last Air Bender film. However, there’s nothing more
amazing than Ian Ziering’s
truly terrible “Spanish accent” and his wig. The other
conquistadors were all of
Hispanic descent or, at the
least, brunets. Ziering isn’t
and his terrible cheap hair
is fabulous:

Image © The Assylum, 2007

• I actually care about the
characters — I know that

This is seriously glorious!

seems like film making
101. However, many Asylum
films have no likable characters to root for. One that
comes to mind from its
sheer boringness is American Warship. Here, I really
enjoy both Rios and Father
Gria. Rios is an honorable,
kind man and his love for
the princess sweet and
undemanding. It’s nice to
see a person in a monster
movie that I actually hope
won’t get eaten. Also, Fa106

ther Gria’s running drunk
joke amuses me. I really
enjoy him and his cactus
juice affection.
• The Ending— we now know
where sangria comes from!
This is win-win for all.

The Bad
• It suffers from the usual
Asylum budget—the thing
that annoys me is that most
Asylum/SyFy movies really
show their limited budget
when it comes to the use
of extras in scenes. There
are only seven conquistadors in the whole film. The
rest are off in the boat with
the intention of returning
to pick them up. Similarly,
there are about five people
in the village in addition
to the shaman, the priest
and the princess. In theory,
most have fled toward the
desert to avoid the T-Rex
attacks. In reality, I’m sure
it’s just cheaper having no
more than a dozen people
in the whole film. It’s just
hard to get any thrill or excitement from T-Rex carnage when it’s one person
at a time with teeth marks.
• Most of the characters still
are terrible—while Rios and
Father Gria can be fun and
even the princess has her
moments (I quite liked
Lachman on Dollhouse),
the rest are terrible. I’d say
the shaman was a bad stereotype and also need to
point out again how lazy
“rape as trauma and dramatic plot point” is as well
as damaging. However,
Cortes is nothing to write
home about either. Zier-

ing’s fun to watch for his
ineptness but the character
is a rat and a bit of a waste
of my time as he ends up
basically running around
in the secondary plot.
• The dialogue—Oh lord, save
me now! Some of the SyFy/
Asylum movies can at least
get traction by being set
in modern day and having
a few snarky pop culture
zingers. This is not one of
them. Since it’s essentially
the bargain basement version of a period piece, the
dialogue is stilted and awful. It’s dull and not even
funny in the “so bad, it’s
good vein.” As a result, getting through the first twenty-five minutes until “thunder lizard” carnage hits full
force is a chore.

The Verdict
While it has its issues with
some bland supporting characters as well as rough pacing
in the first third of the movie,
Tyrannosaurus Azteca is a fun
ride. The way they get rid of
both dinosaurs are clever and
gory enough, the cheese is
piled ridiculously high and the
good guys engaging enough
to fully root for.
If you come across it, it’s definitely worth a look, even if it’s
just for Mystery Science Theater
3000 night with friends! For
more information, feel free to
visit the film’s IMDB page.

Margaret Bates
Rating

GGGGG