Geek Syndicate Issue 8 | Page 105

Geek Syndicate

It’s enough of a show of good
faith that the chief is happy
to let them leave the next day
to meet their ship. He’s even
feeling enough gratitude to let
the conquistadors take Father
Gria (Jack McGee)—a stranded
priest from a previous expedition—with them. The one condition they must follow is to
leave without any gold and
jade (yes jade) and tell no one
of the riches they’ve found in
Mexico. Cortes is a rat of the
first order so he instead orders
his men to wake up early, steal
all golden idols and goblets at
the sacrificial altar, and leave
Rios and Father Gria stranded
in the village.
Rios awakens to find he’s been
betrayed and that, worse, the
female Tyrannosaurus is out
killing again. The shaman, jealous at the growing affection
between Rios and the chief’s
daughter (I said this was Pocahontas, right?) still insists
the rampage of the final T-rex
is due to the disruption of the
altar and that Rios must come
with him to stop the beast or
be sacrificed. Rios, concerned
for his beloved’s safety and a
man of honour, agrees to help.
They go off to get the T-rex but

not before the shaman drugs
his cactus wine.
Rios is weakened on the hunt
and left to die at the hands
of the T-rex. However, Father
Gria and the daughter come
to his rescue. They’re chased
by the beast who has been
summoned by the shaman by
blowing on a horn made from
her mate’s teeth (no really).
The T-Rex rushes to them from
eating all of Cortes’s men. The
trio are trapped for a time in
a mangrove root (no really).
There, Father Gria marries the
princess and Rios and they
consummate. Eventually the
T-rex gives up.
Things deteriorate as the chief
confronts the shaman over
his treachery and drugging of
Rios. They fight and the chief
is mortally wounded but not
before blessing Rios and his
daughter’s marriage and declaring Rios a worthy successor to defend his people. Rios,
Father Gria, and the daughter
set a trap with the last of the
explosive powder and muskets at the altar and are able
to first defeat the priest and
use his heart as a lure for the
T-Rex. She comes and is killed
by an explosion to her face
that leaves her burned and
flayed. That’s actually pretty
awesome.
Finally, Rios meets Cortes
down at the beach as the ship
is about to arrive. In exchange
for letting him live, Rios asks
Cortes never to come back to
this secret valley, no matter
what else Spain does to Mexico. Cortes agrees and takes

Image © The Assylum, 2007

man insists their arrival has
angered the beasts enough
that either they must be sacrificed or kill the threat. Cortes’s
men set out to do just that as
Cortes himself is held for collateral. Rios is able to lure the
make Tyrannosaurus into a pit
of sharpened sticks thus killing him. However, their cannon gets damaged and several
of their party injured.

The Shaman gets what’s due

Father Gria with him back to
Spain. Via the Father’s voiceover, we’re told that Rios and
the daughter begat a huge and
successful secret tribe, that
(duh) Cortes conquered the
Aztecs, and that he gave up
his alcoholic ways (except for
wine for that doesn’t count)
and was even blessed by having a drink named after him:
Sangria.
END OF SPOILERS

The Good
• The CGI is hysterical — some
people really hate the Asylum films because their
million dollar or less budgets mean the CGI monsters
look like they were made
in Microsoft Paint. That’s
one of the things I love
the most about them! It’s
not really the point. These
movi