Flumes Volume 1 Issue 1 - Page 41

Ninety-Nine Things You Can Do With a Brick

By Ken Letko

For Malcolm Gladwell

Begin a brick collection

Worship a clay god

Be many shy of a load

Pretend you're a dog and bury it

Practice nonviolence by not bringing it to a street rally

Crush it to make dust

Add a brick to the control group in a sentience study

Reduce water consumption by placing it in your toilet tank

Practice an important public speech by speaking directly to a brick

Train for an arduous hike by carrying it in a backpack on short walks

Use a brick as a whetstone to sharpen your Swiss Army knife

Paint it gold and store it in a safe deposit box

Keep a brick on the mantle as a conversation piece

Keep it in your car November through March for added traction

Break it into three pieces and juggle

Glue it back together and balance it on your forehead

Break it into four pieces and learn a new trick

Keep a brick in your back pocket for good luck

Listen carefully to a brick

Speak softly and respectfully to a brick

Challenge your vacuum cleaner to pick up a brick

Level up a chest of drawers that has a bum leg

Anchor a soaring kite

Realize a brick can take a joke

Shim up a lawn sculpture

Ruin a lawnmower blade

Realize a brick has a sense of humor

Take a brick to an old-fashioned drive-in movie

Smash your cellphone

Allow your daughter to take it to school for Show and Tell

Drop a brick into a tub full of water to complete the buoyancy test

Be careful to not throw out the brick with the bath water

Attempt swimming from Alcatraz to shore with a brick between your teeth Bring a brick to a party

Teach everyone the brick dance

Break it in half with a karate chop

Sculpt a brick into the lifelike form of a young armadillo

32