Of course, I wish I knew what it was, but I have to live with the fact that I’m not supposed to know just yet.
I am not supposed to necessarily be fixed. God has a plan for my life in this state. I now have to use crutches to get around and my husband has to push me in a wheelchair if we go out anywhere. It has taken all of these physical and mental challenges to get me to look to God more and to not worry about my weight or my size quite so much. I’m not fully there yet, but I am getting there day by day. Something my husband always reminds me of is to keep everything in the day. He also reminds me that God has always kept us sheltered and fed and will continue to look after us.
Even though I have become disabled and I can’t work or drive any longer, God is working. I have had to learn to lean on my family and they are happy to do the cooking and the housework. I can’t handle things by myself, but I can with God.
We flew back to Canada last Christmas to surprise my parents. We totally surprised them, but I was also surprised. My Dad had developed a serious condition where his lungs were slowly being destroyed. He was on a trial drug to try to slow down the process. He had to rest a lot and couldn’t do as much skiing and hiking as he used to, but it seemed to be helping.
Over the course of the summer my dad suddenly got much worse. The medication started make him feel sick all the time and he had lost his appetite a lot of the time. He had gone down from 190 pounds to 120 pounds. I haven’t weight that amount since I was about 14.
By September my mom let my husband and I know that my dad now needed oxygen a lot of the time and they both offered to pay for flights so we could all fly back to Canada to see them. They live in Squamish, BC which is about 1 hour north of Vancouver and 45 minutes south of Whistler.
We booked our flights and made arrangements then and there. We knew he was getting worse and we definitely wanted to make sure the four of us got to spend the Christmas holidays with them, because we knew it would likely be the last one for my dad.
My mom got in touch with me a week ago on the 21st of November to let me know that the drug my dad was on hadn't worked. He had lost a lot of weight and felt sick all the time but once he stopped the drug he got his appetite back. He has even put some weight on. He has decided that he wants to be comfortable in his final days and wants all of us with him. I felt as though I couldn’t possibly face another day and it was more than I could handle.
Then my husband, in his infinite wisdom, reminded me that my dad wouldn’t want us to be upset. He wants to see his grandsons at Christmas as well as us. I will have the chance to spend this time with him and my family in his final days.
I have only been able to come some sort of peace because I believe God is giving us this time. It still makes my heart ache, but it’s nothing compared to how my mom must be feeling. They’ve been married for 46 years and she going to lose her husband and her soulmate. God is giving me strength so that I can be a support to my mom and dad during this time.
Growing up, I always felt that I was never quite good enough. I felt like my dad was disappointed in me, even if that wasn’t true. I remember calling him last year because there was some drama going on with our extended family. I’m so glad I had already turned to God and prayed so I could let go of all my past anger and resentments. We were able to have an amazing talk. As it turns out, he was always proud of me. He wasn’t always good with expressing his feelings, but then again, neither was I. If I wasn’t going through my health issues, I probably would have continued to focus on myself and my hurt and anger and I would have missed out on the time I was lucky enough to have had.
I still don’t know exactly what God’s plan is for me as time goes by, but I know that He has a plan. I have faith that somehow my life can make a difference. It may seem strange, but I am glad for the times when I feel like shouting “Help God! I can’t handle this anymore!” These are times when God helps to deepen my faith and He always does something to help me find a way to handle my life.
HELP GOD I CAN'T HANDLE THIS 55