I remember always turning to the Bible and hoping that some of my favourite passages would offer me a “Free Pass” out of my troubles. The problem is that I never really understood what they meant.
Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. “
I have suffered with severe anxiety since I was about 10 and while I would repeat these passages over and over to myself like a mantra, I never felt any real peace. I have struggled with depression since I was 14 and I could never fully shake it. I have lived with an eating disorder since I was 13 and I am now 44. I am not actively bulimic and I enjoy food too much to become anorexic again, but there are times when I know I have put on some weight and in my head I start to panic.
I always believed that if I had enough faith that God would “prosper” me and give me a future it would happen exactly the way I wanted. If I told myself that I believed everything would be okay, then it would be amazing without any challenges.
Of course, this was wrong. For around 10 years my husband and I were part of a church. We didn’t learn so much about having faith in God as we did about following rules. I believe that I came away with a better understanding of the Bible, but I never had a deep relationship with God. Everything was about following rules, instead of following God. When we finally realised that many of the members had become more concerned with showing up than with loving each other, we knew we had to leave. The church we had been a part of spoke often of loving others, but in fact practiced incredible intolerance for others. When I tried to share my struggles with anxiety and depression and even my eating disorder, I was told that I simply didn’t pray long enough or believe deeply enough.
It was amazing how my faith grew once we handed in our memberships. I was actually able to love God and make prayer and faith just a checklist to follow. I went back over everything I was taught in the Bible study lessons before I had joined the church. I was able to make sense of the scriptures from a greater context and without
being told to just go along with their narrow interpretations. I was able to build my own personal relationship with God, which is what He wanted in the first place.
I thought that if I prayed for an easy life, I would get it somehow. That wasn’t part of God’s plan. When my son Aidan was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 7, I thought that would be it for him. I worried that he would never be independent. He is now 16 and he will be heading off to college next year for 2 years of foundation studies, before he applies for the mainstream catering program. When my son Owen was 6 and was diagnosed with a learning difficulty and behaviour issues, I thought that he would never catch up. He is now 13 and excelling in quite a few of his lessons. He is also working hard to deal with his anger in a much better way.
I reached a point in 2012 where my low self-esteem and my bulimia reached a critical point and I went for help. I was seen by a psychologist who diagnosed me officially with extreme anxiety and serious (but not severe) depression. I found out that these were the triggers for my eating
being told to just go along with their narrow interpretations. I was able to build my own personal relationship with God, which is what He wanted in the first place.
This is a phrase I have often thought, felt or said out loud. I used to believe that when I felt this way, that whatever I felt was too much would disappear like magic. Of course, that isn’t the way things actually work. The part that I always forget about is that God will never give us more than we can handle when we are relying on Him. I would have to actually go through times of challenge by praying to Him and trusting in Him. Usually this meant that my situation would be the same, but I would have spiritual strength from God to endure.
Help
I CAN'T HANDLE THIS
God
by Meghan French