MY
by Joleen Green
Broken to Beautiful - Learning to Love Life in my Body
As a little girl, there was no doubt in my mind - I was going to be a model. All my friends and family knew that was my plan. I was skinny; my nickname was ‘String Bean Joleen’, but I was too thin - skin and bone, and I had to see doctors to try and help me put on weight. Nothing seemed to help. While I apparently had the body needed for a model, I was an adolescent girl from a broken home who found no comfort or parental understanding at that time. I think being from a broken home added lots of self doubt to the equation and is highly misunderstood from others. Also being the ‘skinny girl’ just wasn’t all it is cracked up to be! I was miserable and just wanted to fit in and feel good about my body.
When I became pregnant in high school, it seemed that my dream was over. My dad was beside himself and told me I would never graduate or amount to anything. All he did was confirm what I believed. I hated myself, my body, and my situation. Already dealing with hating myself and my body disappointing my dad just added to my low self esteem. The positive side of my delusional brain told me it’s going to be ok and that; hey I will at least gain some weight and maybe get some curves and be like the other girls and fit in. Wrong!
Unfortunately, I had a high-risk pregnancy, most of which was spent very scared and alone in a hospital bed. I couldn’t go to regular high school due to being such high risk I had to do alternative and online school to catch up to make sure I graduated with my class which was a huge goal of mine. I had something to prove by getting my high school diploma being a teen mom. All of my friends seemed to have disappeared and were no longer around. I cried lots in the hospital and didn’t understand why I couldn’t have the baby at 5 months along not understanding the baby couldn’t survive. I even had a really mean nurse who told me that I was selfish to be crying and wanting to go home and that I should be thankful that I was even pregnant knowing that there were plenty of women out there wishing they could get pregnant. I was only 18 years old and not a clue. I gained 100lbs, stretch marks, cellulite and fat legs! I was now 210 pounds and completely shattered. It was the loneliest place I have ever been with only my teenage thoughts as company. I was miserable, devastated and self-love; well let’s just say that was nonexistent. I would stare at my growing scared belly and legs and sit and cry for hours. I ended up having Nathan at 30 weeks along but thank God everything turned out good and he is a happy healthy teenager to this day. I did get my high school diploma and started college sometime later. I got on birth control the second I was allowed to which failed me a few times and I ended up with 3 more children. I wouldn’t take them back for the world either but my self-esteem and trust in doctors and medicine was shattered. I couldn’t
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