Who - and what - do your kids think their mother is? Odd question? What I mean is this: When you met your wife, you may have met in a group, on a campus, through friends, etc. Your dating/courtship process probably involved a bit of fun, lots of time together, some shared interests, characteristics you admired, etc. When you look at your wife now that a few years have passed, I'd wager that some things have changed. If you're like me, you still see that girl that caught your eye years back, and you can still recall the many things that fed your growing relationship, leading into love, marriage, and then this thing they call parenting. That girl you know and remember? That's probably not who your kids think of when they see mom. In fact, you and their mother are largely responsible for how your children perceive Mom. Don't take this responsibility lightly!
Your child's first relationship, like all other children that ever have been or will be, is with their mother. Even if they were given up at birth for adoption, they spent several months in the womb, relating to this mysterious entity that surrounded and enshrouded them. They heard her voice, her heartbeat, her breathing. They even began to mirror her sleep/wake cycle as they moved in synchrony through life. Then one day, your child was born. They heard more clearly the voice they had known since birth, and gradually became more aware and their senses develop. Eventually, hopefully you were lucky enough to hold them and help with their needs, but sorry to break it to you, Dad. There's Mother, and you're "Other". Nothing is quite like that relationship between mother and child.
As your child grows, though, their relationships become more sophisticated. There will be different things they do with each parent, and each parent has their own pet peeves, favorites, mood swings, etc. It is in these crucial developmental years (the first five) that your child's future is forged. A large part of that future is determined by how their relate to and treat others. A huge part of that is how they see you relate to and treat your wife, their mother. Are you gentle and kind? Do you raise your voice? Do your children know that their mother is your cherished bride? If they don't, it shows.
I've seen it many times. A child hits their teen years, and dad (at least emotionally) hits the road. Mom, who has nurtured, soothed, given life, and care for her child is left to most of the parenting because dad is out of the house, can't take the roller coaster of emotions, and checks out, waiting for grandkids to show up someday. Seeing dad's absence, the child acts out. Mom tries to control the misbehavior, but is somehow unable to get through to her beloved child. It gets worse, and dad gets angry. Infighting ensues, and you get the picture. But it doesn't have to be this way!
Did you know acting out is a symptom? Just like you get a cough or fever when a virus affects your immune system, acting out is your family system's way of letting you know what something is not right. Acting out might happen when you move to a new city, when there's a new baby in the family, when mom or dad gets a new job, or when mom and dad are arguing a lot in front of the kids. It's heady stuff, but acting out is the way a child tries to restore balance and order to their family system. They expend a lot of energy in their efforts to control and rebalance the system, but the trouble is that they're kids. That's not their job. Parents are the adults, the leaders of the family. And I believe (and there is ample research to support this) that the father is the trendsetter for the health of the family system. Is Dad essentially just another kid? Better believe the kids are aware of it, and will take advantage of it. Does Dad work 7 days a week? His absence is apparent - just ask Mom.
Here's the good news. Just like you can change the temperature on your air conditioning, you can change the climate of your family. A new balance that works for everyone can be achieved. That said, it's going to take work, and it's going to take YOU. Realize that the way you treat your wife, their mother, will be mirrored back in the way they treat the two of you, and other authorities in their lives. Want well-behaved kids? Then treat them and their mother the way you want to be treated, be ACTIVE in shaping them, and above all, show them you care. It's going to be a battle, but it will be worth it.
We're in This Together!
WWW.ASK-A-DAD.COM
MARCH 2016