Faith Filled Family Magazine September 2016 | Page 82

where I never heard my parents
quarrel and honestly don’t think
they ever did. I had no problem
expressing myself; times of conflict didn’t scare me, but I was
under-skilled to deal with it. I was
born late in my parents’ lives; my
only sibling was in college by
the time I turned two, so it was
like being an only (and often
spoiled) child. Therefore I was
self-centered enough to think it
should always go my way. Marriage poked holes in that myth
very quickly.
I (Ron) had come from a blended
family with challenges in the
mix. Asking questions about
situations and speaking up to
express your opinion was not
always welcome. Sometimes it
didn’t feel safe. Staying off the
radar was an everyday mission.
So I learned to suppress my
thoughts, lest it become something I didn’t intend it to be: volatile or hurtful.
How has the conflict changed
throughout the years of the
marriage? Do you still experience conflict about the same
kinds of things?
We disagree over the little things
these days and very seldom
conflict on major issues. If we
were still working on the big
things, I don’t think we’d have
stayed married for 40 years.
We aren’t the kind of people
who could have accepted lack
of agreement over life issues —
faith, love, trust, money, parenting — and just tried to muddle
through. There’s nothing so sad
as a couple that has lost their
connection and lack the intimacy
that only comes from agreement. So, yes, we have conflict,
but are more skilled and there-

fore more successful in dealing
with it successfully.

Often that baggage just weighs
us down until we learn to sort it
out, leaving behind anything that
You explore six main catego- contradicts or compromises our
ries in this book, blessings commitment to one another and
being one of them. How does God’s word.
that relate in dealing with conflict?
Barriers identify four communiWe are very differently wired. cation traps that push or punish
Ron: I am an engineer. I am delib- our partner further away from
erate and want to gather and authentic agreement. Each of
weigh all the information avail- the four – silence, sarcasm,
able. It’s not a quick process. sulkiness, and sound (crying,
Deb: I’m in the communications yelling, etc.) – are methods to
field. I process more quickly and manipulate and control the situwhile I’m not careless, I am com- ation and our spouse. They are
fortable with less deliberation. deadly and can suck the life out
Early in our marriage, we discov- of a marriage. Learning to recered our differences could either ognize these traps provides a
become a source of friction or a huge advantage to dealing with
source of strength.
our differences confidently and
competently.
Conflict can be healthy. Two
ideas, two perspectives, even if What was it like to collaborate
at the opposite end of the spec- on a book together? Did that
trum, can produce a solution create any conflict?
that we’d never have discovered It was a wild ride at times! There
individually. What a blessing! It’s were two heads and two hearts
work to get there at times, but involved, but we knew there
always worth the effort. Work- could only be one set of hands
ing together can create a better, on the keyboards. We didn’t
stronger, more intimate “us.” It always remember things exactly
honors our relationship with one the same way, and “owning”
another, and our relationship our own stuff was sometimes a
with God, as well.
challenge. So, yes! The process
created some conflict. And we
Of the six categories that realized we are exceptionally
reveal a facet of conflict, is qualified to co-author this book:
there one in particular that We’ve been disagreeing for 40
you find is most significant?
years!
Baggage and Barriers are tied
for that spot. It’s important we Truthfully, the conversations
recognize that each person in of our four decades together
the relationship brings “stuff” – reminded us how much mercy,
baggage to the union. Baggage grace and peace God has estabcan come from our previous lished in our life. It was very sweet
relationships, our upbringing, to examine our life together, putand the conflict we’ve experi- ting it under the microscope.
ence before marriage which all There are plenty of things we
impact our beliefs, expectations, wish we’d have done differently
and ultimately our behavior. (and I’m sure God does too), but