Faith Filled Family Magazine January 2017 - Page 73

ships wherein a sense of trust was violated . Control is unfortunately very prevalent in homes where many forms of abuse occur and intimidation is used for compliance .
No matter what the reason , control stems from people who desire to manipulate their environment for a desired outcome . They usually have issues trusting people as their own sense of trust may have been violated by someone . It is difficult growing up to trust another person when your own world was a seemingly irrational set of random rules .
Additionally , we shouldn ’ t vilify the controlling person too much . Their patterns are destructive , however most controlling people do not know they are controlling nor do they mean to be . At the core , they really have trust issues that need to be resolved .
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOU ARE IN A CONTROLLING RE- LATIONSHIP ?
As a society , we are quick to jump on the “ controlling ” bandwagon . People should be allowed to express genuine concern and correction to another person without being labeled as emotionally abusive or controlling . However , a controlling person does exhibit certain unique characteristics that distinguish a normal relationship with a toxic one .
According to Bustle . com , control is gradual and arises out of genuine concern making it hard to diagnose early on . The spouse genuinely believes that their significant other cares about them . Comments about various things between spouses may be annoying as sometimes they prick us in an area we may not want to face , but it doesn ’ t constitute control . However , here are several “ red flags ” in a relationship that you may want to avoid :
1 . Your Spouse Doesn ’ t Want You Talking to Certain Family Members / Friends . While it is normal for your spouse not to like some of your friends or family , it is not acceptable for you to feel pressured to cut ties with them . If you feel shame or fear in having a conversation , it may be that your spouse is controlling you . Control only works with intimidation and fear , so if you fear your spouse knowing that you spoke with someone , it may be a red flag in your relationship . Normal relationships are when two people can freely and openly communicate without fear . Control in a marriage elicits a fear response , or a sense that you are doing something “ bad ” even when you haven ’ t done anything wrong .
You know you are being controlled in this area if the nice suggestions turn into an all-out war within your marriage and you find yourself socially isolated .
2 . Controlling Spouses Can Be Critical . Controlling people have a lot of negative things to say , but for the most part , it is disguised as doing things because they care about you , or to help you . The red flag is both the frequency of remarks , and what is being said . Control will cut you down as opposed to lift you up . The person usually does not edify you , but is quick to point out your flaws , or how inadequate you are . They force you to question your reality and your perceptions so much so that you eventually feel incapable of making your own decision . It eventually develops into a co-dependant relationship wherein one spouse makes all the decisions . The red flag is when you feel they are implying that you are incapable of making decisions on your own .
3 . They Don ’ t Trust You . As mentioned before , many controlling people have trust issues