Faith Filled Family Magazine January 2017 - Page 31
same is true in a song by Bonnie Raitt , called , “ I Can ’ t Make You Love Me .”
I can ’ t make you love me if you don ’ t You can ’ t make your heart feel something it won ’ t Here in the dark , in these final hours I will lay down my heart and I ’ ll feel the power But you won ’ t , no you won ’ t
The powerful hurt in both of these songs is emotional abandonment . The pain in both of these songs is clearly present : James Taylor ’ s world has been turned upside down , and Bonnie Raitt has laid down her heart ( feelings ) and feels those feelings strongly but her lover doesn ’ t . The real forsaking of a person in a relationship is caused by emotional abandonment . When your emotions are shared with someone other than your spouse , your fidelity has been compromised , and you are in an affair up to your eyeballs .
Jim Daly , President of Focus On The Family , summarized this in his article , “ 3 Signs You Might Be Having an Emotional Affair .” He proposes the following :
1 . You may find yourself saving topics of conversation for somebody other than your spouse because , in your mind , they understand you better .
2 . You might be sharing intimate details about your marriage with that person .
3 . If you look forward to seeing the other person more than your spouse , your feelings have definitely gone too far . ( Daly , 3 Signs , 2015 )
Daly defines the main reason emotional affairs start as an emotional that is as strong as a powerful drug : infatuation . Infatuation is , according to Dictionary . com , “ to inspire or possess with a foolish or unreasoning passion , as of love .” ( Dictionary . com , 2015 ) You ’ ll notice the key word here : foolish . Infatuation is foolish , because it is not grounded in reality , but based upon a fantasy that grows in your mind about something that is unacceptable behavior , not to mention very dangerous behavior . Further , Daly goes on to say that infatuated people are drunk with emotion , under the influence of a mind-altering drug . More importantly , infatuation does not cause the affair right away : like an addiction , is comes upon you slowly , without your being aware that is it happening . Like falling down a slippery , gradual slope , you don ’ t realize you ’ re in trouble until it is too late : you are addicted to the person you are infatuated with .
Now , what can you do when your spouse has had an affair ? Well , as Christians , we need to do more than just get counseling on dealing with trauma , and coping thereafter . One or more of the spouses has a problem with not dealing honestly with their feelings , and their ability to live in reality , as opposed to a fantasy world . There are important questions to ask , and they need to be dealt with honestly , or your marriage has serious problems . I would suggest that if your mate cannot or will not deal with these issues , then you should let them know that you have emotionally ended your intimacy with this person . The Bible says you should forgive , but you are not obliged to forget . Jesus said , “ But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife except for sexual unfaithfulness forces her to commit adultery . And whoever marries a divorced [ person ] commits adultery .” ( Matthew 5:32 ) ( CBE , 2011 ) Well , emotional affairs are tantamount to physical affairs , and the infidelity needs to be addressed . Lisa Penn , in her article , “ My Husband Cheated : Should I give him another Chance ?” addresses five main issues to be dealt with :
1 . The unfaithful spouse should end the affair immediately ; they should not be given time to “ think about it ,” which puts you in a position to have them pick you or the person they cheated with .
2 . The unfaithful spouse should sincerely apologize for having the affair : if they can ’ t do this , they have not sincerely repented for having had the affair
3 . The unfaithful spouse should be willing to deal honestly with the affair , and tell the total truth – no lies . If they can ’ t be open with the details of the affair now , they will always lie to you , and cannot be totally trusted .
4 . The unfaithful spouse must do all they can to regain your trust : they must be completely transparent , and must give you all the passwords to all the websites , back accounts , emails : everything . This will take time , but if