Faith Filled Family Magazine February 2017 | Page 19

Some marriages just can ’ t recover from it . The couple tries , and the person who had the affair has their reasons . They are genuinely sorry- especially since affairs rarely move on to marriages . However , sometimes the pain is too great for reconciliation to be possible .
To prevent even going down this road , the key is to continually guard your heart . Admit that you are vulnerable , and an affair could be a very real possibility . Realize that your anger at your spouse is only masking the pain of abandonment you feel in your heart . It ’ s not that you don ’ t love them- you just don ’ t like the pain their actions are bringing . No one likes feeling rejected , but you have to know that they are probably oblivious to how you are feeling .
Most times , we expect our spouse to just know what is going on . However , when we fail to communicate what we are experiencing openly , they will never know what is going on . All we end up doing is shutting down . We stop voicing our concerns even if it is out of anger and retreat . Communication , at this point , needs to be re-established .
“ But he won ’ t listen !” you say . So make him .
Step One : Forgive . Take your hurt , your pain , your frustration , your bitterness and let it go . Ask God to soften your heart towards your spouse . Ask Him to reveal to you how He sees your spouse . He is faithful to do that .
“ Bearing with one another and , if one has a complaint against another , forgiving each other ; as the Lord has forgiven you , so you also must forgive .” Colossians 3:13
“ Then Peter came up and said to him , “ Lord , how often will my brother sin against me , and I forgive him ? As many as seven times ?” Jesus said to him , “ I do not say to you seven times , but seventy times seven .” Matthew 18:21-22
By harboring unforgiveness , we separate ourselves from God . We also damage ourselves more than the other person by holding on to something that God commanded us to give to Him .
Step Two : Pray Over Your Spouse . If they will not listen , or refuse to change , make your petition known to God . Do you not believe that He feels your pain ? That He has seen what has transpired ? That He hasn ’ t felt what is in your own heart ? It saddens Him when His children are upset at the hand of another person . When we hurt our spouse , we also hurt God .
If you truly believe that God can do all things , give them up to God . Ask God to change their hearts- or to create a change . God has a way of getting people ’ s attention . Sometimes , they don ’ t often know what caused a change , but God can intervene on your behalf .
“ The LORD will fight for you , and you have only to be silent .” Exodus 14:14
“ But Jesus looked at them and said , “ With man this is impossible , but with God all things are possible .” Matthew 19:36
Step Three : Talk to Your Spouse- Without Anger . This is where healing occurs- when you can open up . It is a slow process , and involved being vulnerable to your spouse- something you may not want to do . Yet it is necessary .
“ With all humility and gentleness , with patience , bearing with one another in love , eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace .” Ephesians 4:2-3
Know that the relationship will take awhile to heal itself and for permanent change to begin . Ask God to open the ears of your spouse in times when they are not listening , or when old behaviors resurface . However , do not harden your heart . Do not let bitterness take root because uprooting it is difficult .
You may have to continually come to your spouse . Pick a time when they will listen . Be open and honest- be transparent in your feelings without being accusatory . This will enable the person to be more open to listening .
When we argue or complain , it closes the door to communication by putting the other person on the defense . When we discuss things in a calm manner , it opens up a dialogue wherein the other person doesn ’ t feel threatened . Don ’ t blame them or accuse them . Simply state , “ When you do this , I feel this .” Preface