Faith Filled Family Magazine August 2016 | Page 82

When she finally realized it was
time for her to leave, I then tried
to stop her. I know that sounds
crazy but it is what drugs and
alcohol do to you. You don’t
even know what you want when
you are addicted. I went out and
sliced one of her tires on her car.
The crazy part was, my mind
thought to be fair, I should slice
one of mine too and I did. I know
that really sounds crazy, but
I was not in my right mind that
night.
She packed and drove off on
that flat tire anyway. I changed
my tire and went looking for
her. I saw her up the street and
some guy was changing her
tire for her. Something inside of
me finally decided to let her go
that night. Needless to say, that
was the night we separated and
eventually divorced.
That hit me like a ton of bricks
but I still thought it was the best
thing because I was finally free
to do what I wanted. I was finally
able to sleep with any woman I
wanted. You see my self-image
was so low during this time and
my ex-wife and I had just gotten
on the internet back then. I had
all of these women I would meet
online feeding my ego and telling me how stupid my ex was
for wanting to let me go. They
all took my side because I didn’t
tell them the whole truth on
what really happened so all they
heard was my side of the story. I
started all of this before she left
and this was a part of the problem because it fed my ego. All of
my life I had been told I was not
good enough and for once in my
life, I felt like I was good enough.
A few months after her leav-

ing and sleeping with 30-plus
women that I met online, I
started to realize that maybe
I made a bad choice. I was at
one of the lowest times in my
life at that point. People don’t
realize that when you sleep with
someone, it destroys your selfimage because a true self-image
comes from God and we destroy
that more with each sexual partner.

So Sandy finally gave me an
ultimatum with the chatting
and flirting part, because she
was not going to allow me to
cheat on her. She was ready to
leave. I begged her not to leave
and changed all of my online
accounts as she requested. That
part of my life was over and I
was serious about that.

The only problem is the drugs
and alcohol wasn’t part of that
I was depressed and that was deal, only the chatting with other
affecting my family around me. women. So there I was going
My mom couldn’t control me at more and more downhill because
all because I was my own man. of the drugs and alcohol. A few
No one was going to help me years later I finally stopped the
because I wouldn’t allow them—I pills because for some reason
truly felt like I was beyond help the price tripled and I just could
and I believed then that even not afford them anymore. I was
God couldn’t love me because popping 20 pills a day when I
of everything I had done.
would do them. So my focus
became only the alcohol at this
Fast forward to October 5, 2002, time because I could literally
a few years later and the day I get drunk for $3. I would buy
married my current wife. It was 3 /40’s of Malt-Liquor and that
an awesome day and God did was enough to be drunk. I was
a miracle sending her to me always a cheap drunk and that
especially since I didn’t feel like helped me stay drunk because I
I deserved her, but I did accept could afford that.
her.
I did some bad things during
I didn’t drink too much in those the first 5 years of our marfirst 6 months of marriage riage. I didn’t physically cheat
because I was so happy and but I pushed the limit all the time
excited. Sadly, all of that changed because addictions still had conwith the passing of my mom. trol over me. I would treat Sandy
Because I didn’t know how to so bad when I was drinking.
handle the loss, after 6 months of Because I drank so much there
bliss, I started popping pills and were times when I started to
drinking again. I went right back treat her bad even on days that
to what I knew best and my wife I didn’t drink. It was getting hard
didn’t know how to handle that. I for her and me because alcohol
even started flirting and chatting will destroy you.
with women online again around
this time and my wife saw the We have always had a connecsigns. She knew I was following tion that was second to none but
the same path because I told her that was starting to fade. I am
everything that happened in my still stunned that she stayed with
first marriage.
me through those first 5 years