On the surface , Colleen appears to be a stellar Christian . She has served faithfully in church ministry for 10 years – she headed her church ’ s production team and was a cell group leader and spiritual mentor to many youths . To top off that dazzling resume , she ’ s been a full-time staff at YWAM Singapore for 7 years , and most recently , spent a year on the mission field in Myanmar . But few people knew how broken she was , even as she was serving God .
As a child , Colleen struggled with issues of rejection and a lack of self-worth . This was aggravated by a father who left home after much conflict and tension , and school made it even worse . She was the outcast , taunted and spat on by classmates as frequently as every day .
In her teens , Colleen struggled with bouts of uncontrollable rage , loneliness and self-hatred . She earned friends by lavishing them with money and gifts , and studied extremely hard , in hope of proving her worth through academic success . But she didn ’ t do well at school . She felt like a failure ; she was someone that no one wanted around . Her self-hatred incited the act of cutting herself and thoughts of ending her life . But at the age of 15 , with nothing to lose , she turned back to God .
Life did not become miraculously easier . At 18 , she was crushed by the death of her mother who fell gravely ill . Her already-fragile family , unable to cope with the grief and anger at their loss , became turbulent . Colleen fought hard to hold what was left of her family together , but they became increasingly abusive ( emotionally ), and she had to leave home . Every Sunday , she would break down during worship to cry and rage at God , “ If you are good , if you are here with me , then why did this happen to my family ?”
In those times , she felt that God would take her to a place beyond the music , and simply embrace her . And in that hard place , she learnt about the sovereignty of God . “ I ’ ve stopped asking Him the ‘ why ?’ questions . I ’ ve learnt instead to say , ‘ God , be it good or bad , You are in control ’. Initially , I was passive and would think , ‘ Nothing I do is right anyway . So God , do whatever you want .’ But over time , I could not deny that He was there . I ’ m alive today because He is , and has been with me . He is in control .”
Serving at YWAM has taught Colleen true dependence on God . She always had to strive for acceptance , even when she was serving in ministry . It was her way of buying God ’ s love . “ Ministry was an idol in my life . It was my mask ,” she admitted . “ I could not believe that God would still love me if I didn ’ t earn it .” After the death of her mother and the instability of her family , she lost the strength to hold onto that mask , and found herself breaking down repeatedly . “ I was barely functioning , but even when I couldn ’ t perform , YWAM didn ’ t reject me . They just loved me and gave me a safe space to cry .” Through the YWAM community , God demonstrated His unconditional love for her – even when she could do nothing , she was still worthy of love . He also taught her to embrace her weaknesses ; when she no longer has the strength to hold on , His sustaining grace will be sufficient .
God showed Colleen that He can use anyone , even the most broken vessels . When He called her to Myanmar , Colleen responded in doubt , “ God , did you call the right person ? My family is in pieces and I am so broken . I have nothing to give .
WOULD YOU SEND A BROKEN PERSON TO A BROKEN NATION ?”
God returned her objections with a simple question , “ Will you trust Me ?”
Colleen chose to believe in God and spent the next year in Myanmar , trusting Him everyday . “ Because of the language barriers , traffic conditions , and lack of infrastructure , my safety was perpetually at risk . Simple activities became impossible tasks . Each time I got home safely , I thanked God with all my heart because I knew that He was there with me .”
“ Perhaps God uses broken people because in our brokenness and inability to do anything , God shows Himself to be true . And we know that we cannot live apart from Him .”
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