Does saying sorry promote empathy?
By Emma Jayne Morgan
When a child does something “wrong” or upsets another child we, as adults, often ask them to
apologise to the other person by saying sorry. This is a natural reaction for an adult who has
developed empathy and understands the link between the word, the action and the feelings
involved. However, at what age does a child actually understand the reason they are saying this
word? To a young child, these links and understanding are often not yet in place and a cross
teacher demanding they say a word they do not understand can be confusing and even upsetting.
Often a child apologises and then repeats the same behaviour almost immediately. This would
suggest that what seems so straightforward to us is not always understood by young children. The
actual word “sorry” is difficult to explain in simple terms as it is part of the concept of right and
wrong and the feeling of remorse, therefore other methods to diffuse such situations may be more
effective.
With younger children allow more spontaneous apologies, such as a hug or offering a toy when
one has upset another. Apologies do not always need to contain words, understanding is more
important as we do not want to teach children that empty apologies are acceptable.
This doesn’t mean you should forget about teaching children to say sorry altogether, this is
important socially. However, when working with young children, concentrate on building the
foundations to understand such exchanges first, as a word with no understanding behind it is
meaningless.
With older children, rather than pushing for the word “sorry”,
concentrate more on calming the situation down and
promoting the ideas of empathy and making amends.
1. Do so by taking a step back and encouraging children to do
so too.
2. Children need to calm down and leave the heat of the moment
to truly deal with the consequences of their actions. Start by
encouraging children to talk about the feelings which led to the
problem behaviour e.g. “How did you feel when you pushed your
friend?”. Emphasis should be placed on the action and not the emotions as there are no
bad emotions, it is only how we act upon them which can cause problems.
3. Once this is discussed, talk to them about how the other person may have felt.
4. Problem solve by asking the child if they think they could have done things
differently. Role play different scenarios.
5. Support apologies when age appropriate, you could do so by structuring them to make
it easier and more meaningful for the child: I am sorry for……, this is wrong
because……, and in the future I will…………
Remorse can take time as children process their mistake and the different feelings this brings up.
It is important to allow time for true remorse rather than rush children to pretend.