A LESSON OF LOSS AND GAIN
and had gained a lot of weight. I was unusually
fatigued and has trouble sleeping. I was always
on edge and easily upset about trivial things like
messes or scheduling issues, and the more out
of control I felt, the more controlling became,
which any parent or newlywed knows is not a
recipe for success.
My family doctor suggested antidepressants.
I was hesitant but welcomed the possibility of
help. I try to look back now and imagine the toll
on the family that I loved so deeply, but the truth
is I don’t remember much of it because as I was
going through the awful ordeal, my memory and
attention span failed me, and I was having full
blackouts where I couldn’t remember anything
from my day. I also had trouble recalling things
from my long-term memory.
When prompted to recall things about my
childhood, I could remember very little, as if all
of those memories had disappeared overnight. I
remember calling my husband in a panic, all of
a sudden desperate to remember what my life
had been like as a child.
When my doctors’ solution to my symptoms was
simply to up the dosage on my antidepressants,
I knew they weren’t taking me seriously. This
I WAS TOLD
I WAS CRAZY,
LITERALLY,
MORE THAN
ONCE.
- SALLY HUGHES
wasn’t depression, although that became a
common theme over the course of my journey.
Soon, I became completely unrecognizable
to myself. I was so exhausted at times that I
couldn’t get up and walk from one room to the
next without having to lay down and take a nap.
I would sleep for 14 hours straight and not feel
rested. When I slept well, I had nightmares and
night sweats. And I was in so much physical
pain, I could no longer exercise at all. My joints
ached so badly at times that I felt sure that my
85-year-old grandmother could move easier than
I could. I ached getting in and out of the car and
going up and down stairs. My muscle pain was so
severe that something brushing against my skin
would cause me to wince in pain. My husband
would try to massage my achy muscles, but it
was so painful that I couldn’t tolerate the touch.
My moods were all over the place, too. I had
anxiety attacks on a daily basis. The smallest
stressors became unmanageable. I developed
chemical sensitivities that were so intense I had
to avoid places that used air fresheners, people
who wore perfume and banned all chemical
cleaning products from our house.
I stopped having bowel movements on a regular
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