How to Become a Varsity Athlete
:Yulia Ilnitzkaya
Are you looking for an easy way to look amazing, be amazing, and play amazing? Do you want to finally prove to your friends and family that you’re not worthless? If you’re a guy that’s looking for a way to get all the girls and flex that varsity jersey then look no more! Here is a list of rules on how to become a varsity athlete.
Rule #1- Join a sport that will make you stand out
It’s a known fact that sports like football are an instant way to become popular. Who cares if you’re only 5 feet tall or 80 pounds! All you need to do is to wear that jersey and you’ll be the talk of the school. The one thing a coach wants is team diversity and your commitment…. why wouldn’t he wanna keep you in?
If that doesn’t go as planned, then join Track and Field. it’s a no cut sport after all. At least you won’t be warming the bench this time.
Rule #2- Take away your competition
The number one rule of being the best is getting rid of everything (and everyone) that’s in your way. This includes other competitors, and maybe even teammates. Heard of Tonya Harding? If not, then you might wanna know that she became victorious by being involved in the attack of her competitor.
Brutal? Yes.
Illegal? Maybe.
But did she win that first place medal? Of course she did.
Exception: If you’re actually going to try to execute an attack, just make sure you don't get caught. Consequences include not only losing your place on the team, but also your place on the social ladder you’ve been trying so hard to reach.