Letting Love In
By Natasha Botkin
Long ago, I declared to myself that “love” was not safe; using both my childhood, and an attempt at an adult relationship in my first marriage, exemplify this declaration for myself. There was a time when I tried to show openness, “Will I finally be seen as me; will I be cared for as me; more importantly, will I be loved as me.” Sadly though, I created a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy in that I believed I was unloveable - having been rejected by both my parents and my ex-husband.
I cannot pretend that I am aware of what direction that I head; I belong nowhere and everywhere; and yet, I also seem to be an invisible thread. This warrioress has other battles to behold and the little girl in me calls for love, love that is safe and true.
Along my path, a man beckoned; came to me; challenged me.
I questioned his presence in my life - wondering why is it that he loves me?
I became smitten, and began falling in love.
Wondering through it all, what is this notion of love; is it real or only in fairy tales?
In my curiosity and self-doubt, I made a careless mistake sending the man who loved me away. However, deep within my warrioress knowing, my heart called, and his heart heard my call, and; once again, he came to me.
Opening up to him, and to the feelings, surely and sweetly I realized that - true love is possible! The stillness of my soul stirring me deeply. The little girl within the warrioress heart wants to feel love too - she helps me open to it, allowing me to realize that I wish to be loved.
Probing my heart and my mind and my inner knowing, I wonder what does this truly mean? Contemplating it, I acknowledge that there is no “one” answer; everyone’s ideas are different. In truth, I am not even sure what it means or looks like to me, fully. I am freely flowing into my
senses. Enjoying them. I am not holding onto someone else’s ideas of what is “appropriate.” Long ago, my family felt that I was too wild; that I was “inappropriate”. What they did not know is that I was meant to be the freely flowing individual, that I am, today. Beautifully, when discussing this with my BeLoved recently, I asked him to, “Try to imagine me in etiquette school; instead, I am going back to my roots to be that warrioress girl of my heart - the wild child who is now a wild woman - can you love her?”; He smiled; admitting that he has been waiting for her to emerge.
There are so many avenues and answers that others might specify; I smirk with an internal laughter at the irony of it all. I am amazing when I teach youth. I am powerfully, graceful when I show them; teach them; help them by uplifting them to be loved as they are. So, why has it taken me so long? I believe it’s because the vow I made with myself, so long ago, was so strong that even I was unaware of its impact on my life.
So it begins. A new chapter. I am in reverence to the fact that I pen this during the beginnings of a new moon. A fresh start with so many flowing energies; my soul; the new moon; my new love of me and the deliciousness of what this new chapter will bring to me and to the man who patiently waited for me.
My BeLoved smiles saying, “You make me smile. All I hear is the tap, tap, tap of your shoes. You inhaling and then exclaiming ‘Oh my goodness, this rose looks divine, please do not hurt me with your thorns, and aww the aroma, oh my gosh, I am so lucky to see you, to smell you, to feel you.’ All the while, others are looking at you as if you have lost your mind. Go lose yourself in your roses; in fact, here’s your favorite kind.”
Letting Love In